Brain Drippings

Could I still play in the NFL?

2012-01-23T14:26:00.000-05:00

As I rapidly approach the statistical midpoint of my life expectancy I was curious if I could still go through a mid-life-crisis and try out for an NFL team. Realistic? Of course! Why, a player a week older than myself led the league in tackles this year!

For posterity, here's the list of all NFL players older than me as of the end of the 2011 season:
Ray Lewis (LB, Baltimore) - by 9 days!
Phil Dawson (Kicker, Browns)
Brad Maynard (Punter, Browns)
Charlie Batch (QB, Pitt)
James Farrior (LB, Pitt)
Patrick Mannelly (Safety, Bears)
Ben Graham (Punter, Lions)
Jason Hanson (Kicker, Lions)
Donald Driver (WR, GB)
Ryan Longwell (Kicker, Minn)
Jake Delhomme (QB, Texans)
Jeff Garcia (QB, Texans)
Kerry Collins (QB, Colts)
Adam Vinatieri (Kicker, Colts)
Orlindo Mare (Kicker, Carolina)
Ronde Barber (CB, TB)
Jason Taylor (LB, Miami)
Mark Brunell (QB, Jets)
Jon Kitna (QB, Dallas)
London Fletcher (LB, Washington) - One week older!
Sav Rocca (Punter, Washington)
David Binn (Safety, Denver)
Brian Dawkins (Safety, Denver)
Casy Weigmann (Center, KC)
David Akers (Kicker, SF)
Al Harris (CB, Seattle)

The majority are kickers, punters and backup "mentor" quarterbacks. I'm sure a handful will retire each year. When the last one does I'll probably have to admit that I'm probably going to have to give up on that dream of scoring the winning touchdown in the superbowl. But not yet!

Orignal From: Could I still play in the NFL?

Infant Talk has Adult Ring

2011-07-31T13:50:00.000-04:00

When I was a tiny tiny baby my parents decided I was cute enough to do the whole family-photo-thing and we all went out to a Studio and had our pictures taken. The photographer found me very expressive for just a few weeks old and used a handful of props he had laying around to capture – and then caption – a few priceless photos. He sold four of the best to the local paper and at just 7 weeks old my picture was published in the Reading Eagle!

A few years ago, while looking through old photo albums at my Grandmother’s house, I found an original proof of the pictures cut/pasted into the original newspaper copy and I scanned it for posterity. It goes a little something like this:

You can click on the picture to see it in full-size. The captions – from Left to Right, Top to Bottom read:

Don’t know how Gloria Steinem stands these things.
You better start talking turkey or the deal’s off.
Someone is making a big profit from these rising gas prices.
Take back this football and give me a cosmetics contract. (I was never a fan of this line.)

I decided that I’d like to have some photos of my own baby girl captured and captioned. I have no inclination to try and get them published in our local paper – mostly because there is none – but because I can just publish them here and have them potentially seen by many many more people. =]

Last week I setup a little “Studio” in the dining room complete with a lamp and shag-like rug. I was unable to find kid-sized glasses or a 60s retro phone so I improvised. With only maybe 20 minutes of shoot time before we went from Happy Baby to Angry Pterodactyl I started snapping shots and seeing what I could get accomplished in just one “session”. I got all that I wanted and more. Seems being an expressive baby runs in the family!

Allison Grace - Ham Extraordinaire!

I only updated one caption because Ms. Steinem stopped wearing those glasses back in the 80s. I considered photo-shopping the pictures to correct little things like Heather’s hand in the football shot or the drool marks on the football but decided against it. Here is Allison as we see her and as the camera found here that morning. Here’s a few “outtake” shots that we couldn’t fit into the montage. Enjoy!

My share of the federal deficit is how much?

The AAMCO Commercial! Quick! Turn it off!

Wanna go see the Smurfs movie? Yeah, me neither.

Yeah, I made my money in Cosmetics but now I just play for the love of the game.

Glad the NFL Lockout was resolved!

Brain Pain 2011

2011-03-31T22:22:00.000-04:00

Just to fully document the phenomena, I went through a cluster cycle in January into February. To those who somehow missed my previous update on these almost exactly two years ago, I suffer from Cluster Headaches. These suckers suck but only for a few months out of the year then they go away for several months. The current cycle came on slowly. I had a few minor headaches and a few ocular migraines in November and December. It went full blown the second week of January and peeked the last week of that month. I then entered one of the more stressful weeks of my professional career and - survival instincts ruling out stupid head pain - the cluster took a two week break. By the first week of March the headaches had ceased. By documenting these cycles as they happen here I'm definitely seeing a pattern.

1) They're brought on by Christmas Stress - or at least the disruption in sleep patterns that seem to happen here.

2) Nitrates! I'm watching my intake of the pernicious 'trates. Alas, they're in Hot-dogs and Bacon so I can't help myself sometimes.

3) They tend to peter out with the worst of winter. Humidity? Low pressure? Less sun? I spent a lot of time outdoors this year despite the cold and snow.

Combining 1 & 2 and thinking back... in the beginning of November I had a business trip to Ireland and the UK. Fairly stressful is travel and the time change wompted my sleep patterns. Then there was the bacon and sausage every morning. Yum! Ouch! If sleep patterns and nitrates have anything to do with cluster headaches one might think I was trying to bring on a headache cycle! Anyway, I haven't had one in weeks now so I figured it was time to document the cycle. See ya'll back here in 2012!

Orignal From: Brain Pain 2011

Near Miss

2011-01-31T22:42:00.010-05:00

Pictures tell the story. Thursday January 28th. I awake to find yet another foot and a half of snow has fallen. The trees were just sagging under the weight. I noticed we lost a few good sized branches from the twin pines. One crushed the thermometer hanging on the tree. The sheer weight of the snow was too much for the flagpole too. It bent down until the flag touched the ground. Then I saw my car. The monster branch (about 6 inches across at it's thickest and weighing 60+ pounds laden with snush) fell about 20 before landing right where we normally park during "snow episodes". For some reason I pulled right in behind Heather that day. Probably saved myself a repair bill too. My whole yard is nothing but shattered pine. My whole driveway is surrounded by walls of snow. In two days it is Groundhogs Day and I'm thinking of macing the little guy just so he can't see his shadow and give me another six weeks of this crap. Come on Spring! Come early! Do it for the Trees - they obviously can't take much more snow!

Orignal From: Near Miss

Life Alterations

2010-12-30T17:55:00.001-05:00

Here I sit on the cusp of 2011 visualizing the baby in diapers wearing the "2011" sash and ruminating on alterations. I'm altering the "spare bedroom" into a nursery when I think that this could be a life altering event. I've heard that having a kid changes everything. So far it's only changed the paint in our smallest bedroom. And Heather's waist measurements I suppose. Perhaps we'll have her pants altered.

Because I'm completely out of control of the entire situation I look for the things I can control - even if they're nearly a year in the future - like what to do about all the non-kid friendly furniture and electronics stored so conveniently at ground level?

My plan: Eventually the whole house will have to be altered. I don't like to have to redo work so I'm not just going to childproof the house but do so in a permanent fashion. Gone will be the end-tables with lamps just waiting to be pulled onto unfused skulls. So long media cabinet filled with oh-so-shiny and tasty DVDs. Book shelves? Not a chance. Any drawers/cabinets that can't be locked will be emptied. The kitchen will basically have to be gutted from everything below 3 feet. The solution will be shelves. Lots of them. Covering every wall. Not so high so Heather can't reach.

But that sounds like work and I'd rather charge out to play... alas, there's a wall of snow impeding my stampede so I'll stay in and make a list of things to do but I wont do them because I'm too occupied making the list and thinking about snow and typing blog entries with horrendous run-on sentences, with ill-placed commas. Logically I know I must finish everything on my honey-do list and my bucket (ehem - diaper pail) list before the kid is born in April. Realistically I'll put it off until such time as I'm actually nervous when The Great Alteration is nigh. I can't think of a better use for nervous energy than very amateur carpentry. I might accidentally sand off my knuckles and will probably lose a finger tip to a jigsaw but I consider that preferable to having to think up baby names. *shudder*

Orignal From: Life Alterations

Corporate Charities - Give with your head

2010-10-08T16:22:00.001-04:00

First off, Breast Cancer is bad, mmmmkay? Something like 12% women will get it and 25% of those will be killed by it. Us men aren't free and clear either as hundreds of men die from man-boob cancer. Seriously.

That said, consider the source and follow the money before you blindly give over your money to a "charity" that supports "awareness". They're largely wasting your money. Consider: There is nary a woman of breast sporting age who isn't "aware" that she should be giving herself a periodic check. Money spent on "awareness" may very likely be used to make you more aware of the charitable organization rather than it's goals. A good example here is the corporate entities that align with a charity to hopefully do some good... and to make you more aware of the corporation. Pink websites? Hard on the eyes. Pink splotches on NFL merchandise? Silly. Printing newspapers with pink paper? Wasteful.

The timely example is Lee National Denim Day. For a paltry $5 you get to wear jeans on the first Friday of October (as long as the first Friday isn't the first of the month apparently). That $5 (Minus Lee's expenses?) is then sent to the Entertainment Industry Foundation which in turn supports various charities. You also get a pink ribbon emblazoned in gold lettering with the Lee logo. The past few years the logo has been getting bigger and flashier at the expense of the ribbon (See picture at left) and that got me to thinking... what percent of my Lincoln is actually going to charity and why in the hell would anyone want to wear an ad for a brand of jeans? The answer is pretty obvious - we're all riddled with guilt for NOT having cancer... and not doing anything to prevent it from forming in others. The more health and/or wealth you have the more guilt you likely suffer at the hands of the various charities or causes. This is why you can't see a damned Broadway play without having a "message" shoved down your throat. Paying for your ticket and nodding don't make you an activist but for some reason it dulls the guilt the tiniest bit. So does wearing a ribbon I guess.

But it doesn't do anything to prevent breast cancer.

In this case we really don't need money - we need education. There is no common cancer death more preventable. Except maybe lung cancer. Most people diagnosed with lung cancer spent the majority of their life and thousands upon thousands of dollars just to get to that point but I digress. Death by breast cancer is very preventable. Just phluff your girls frequently then tell the charities to save the "awareness" and use the money to help those who can't afford a mammogram. Better yet, volunteer $5 of your time to print out and distribute some education keeping the money out of the hands of big industries all together. The health-care industry LOVES taking money from charities because it's guaranteed while individuals may go bankrupt or worse - die before running out of money. And if an institution is getting free funds why not raise the rates to maximize income? Horrible but human nature. So where does the money go? Most family bankruptcies are due to illness. Hospitals are going out of business. But somehow insurance companies are thriving. If you really need something to feel guilty about... buoying the medical insurance industry is a good place to start. Ah, but once again I digress.

Back to that magic five dollars. The EIF is only about 75% efficient in returning your money to the cause. They do a lot of fine work but I like a higher return on my investment. The Susan G. Komen group is one of the largest and is better at 83% efficient but it always bothers me a little when the president or CEO makes more than a half million dollars a year. The Breast Cancer Research Foundation is better still at 91% but suffers the same problem. Regardless, I gave them my $5 and the anti-breast cancer charities netted an extra 80 cents. I also gave $2 to the website that compiles the data to which I've linked above. Paltry sums to be sure and I have plenty of health, if not wealth to feel guilty about but I do what I can. Like writing this rambling diatribe to clarify my thoughts. Not for you, who for some unknown reason is still reading it, but for me and hopefully for the greater good.

I'm wearing Jeans today but I'm not wearing the ribbon on my shirt. Instead, I'll be distributing education throughout the month. I think that will be worth a good deal more than the $3.75 I would have donated if I a spent with my heart rather than my head. For women it's even easier - donate some time with your hands... and be well.

Breast Cancer Research FoundationBreast

Orignal From: Corporate Charities - Give with your head

Half Marathon SUCCESS!

2010-09-30T15:26:00.001-04:00

It was a rocky road leading up to the rocky trail but, with Heather's support and patience, I lived - and finished in the middle of the pack.

Since my last update I didn't keep track of my miles as religiously but I know that in week 5 I topped out at 20 miles and then started to go down hill. With 3 weeks to go I went out for my standard 5 mile morning run and, while crossing between a park and sidewalk, banged my knee on a guardrail. It swelled up pretty good and kept me from running for a few days but could have been much worse. One week later, on the same morning loop and very near where I hit my knee, my ankle started clicking with every step. Then it started hurting and I ended up limping the last mile home. Lots of ice and massage to the calf loosened things up but I'm still not sure what causes the strange clicking. I know it's worse when I sit with my feet crossed over and the heel of my opposite foot resting on a particular tendon on the top of ankle. I'll sometimes sleep in this position so I think it's ironic that I might be injuring myself while napping!

I barely ran the final two weeks. I got out for 6 miles for the annual 9/11 memorial run and a easy 4 miler a few days before the race just to keep things lubricated. I focused on getting lots of sleep that week and prepped everything I would need including securing a hotel a few miles from the starting line. The night before the run Heather & I drove out to Philly and just crashed. I woke up before the alarm and took a walk around the motel. It was HOT already! I picked a Fall run because the heat really kills me. So, what do I get? A near record breaking heat wave. I wanted an Indian Summer, not a summer in India! Adding to my angst, I failed to enter the location of the race start in the GPS and, though I had studied the route, a road turned out to be named something different so we got lost. The final straw was when I tried to grab an extra bottle of water from the cooler. The whole thing turned over somehow and dumped water and half melted ice into my dry clothing bag. Arrrgh!

The race director was on top of things though and assuaged my biggest fears by adding two more water-stops along the course which allowed me the freedom to not carry a bottle. Just in case though Heather agreed to drive down to the half-way point and cheer me on/hydrate me as necessary. She was carrying the special bottle of home-made sports drink (Equal measures fruit juice, Pedialyte & seltzer) and was met there by our friend Amy who lives in the Philly area and was cool enough to swing by and help keep Heather sane while waiting for me. It turned out that the half way point was one of the water stops so Heather & Amy volunteered to help distribute H²O & "G". I reached them just over an hour into the race. I was doing great at that point, and had even been conversational, but I had done a lot of 6 mile training runs so that's to be expected. The back half would be the real test. While the first 6 miles were almost entirely trails, the next 3 miles were on a paved bike path. I'm no fan of blacktop running so I plodded along on the grass just to the side of the trail and used the opportunity to run backwards for a bit to give my legs a taste of something different. Yeah, I'm a very odd runner apparently. =]

The final water break was at mile 8.4. It took my dehydrated and oxygen deprived brain a few minutes but I figured that gave me less than two miles to go. Cake walk! Alas, that's the point I hit the really hilly part of course. I fought cramps & fatigue the last mile but ran every step of every hill - unlike the group in front of me which walked the hills and was passed/passed by me at least a half dozen times. When I rounded a turn and saw the finish line I dumped what I had left into my legs and kicked for the finish completing my run in 2 hours and 15 minutes. Awesome! That's a 10.36 minute mile pace throughout.

I collected my prize - a cuckoo whistle imported from Germany - and walked around sipping water for a while before Heather & Amy returned. My legs felt like rubber - both the overly quivery rubber and the hard dry-rotted kind - and I had half a headache. After re-hydrating and yummying down on a sausage sandwich I started to feel almost human again. After some stretching work I was ready to go again!

So, that's my tale. I survived! Thanks to the race coordinators for the extra water stops, GU-CHOMPS for providing me some electrolytes along the way & Heather & Amy for being my support crew. I'll also apologize to my friends that I blew off the past few weekends because I had to get in some long training runs. To make up for lost time I'm taking a long weekend and going biking in Central Park on Friday and camping in Voorhees State Park on Saturday & Sunday. I believe I've earned some R&R!

Before I even completed the half I was asked if I would continue on to run a full marathon. I doubt it. The time investment is way outside of what I'm willing to give to something that basically just hurts. I won't say that wont ever try one... but it would take an early retirement (and probably the collapse of the GPS system) to give me that motivation. No matter what though... 13.1 is off my bucket list!

Orignal From: Half Marathon SUCCESS!

Half Marathon? Eric must be Cuckoo!

2010-08-09T22:30:00.001-04:00

After much hemmage and hawdling I decided that this would be the year I finally upped my miles and ran a "half". That's a 13.1 mile race with my current long being 15K or 9.3 miles. I've been told by a few people that if I can run over 9 miles then 13.1 is just mental.

Not entirely. I've broken down every time I've tried to get my legs to churn out more than 5-6 miles at at time for a few weeks. The most I've ever run in a single week is 18 miles - and that broken up into 5 easy runs. What I've learned from these set-backs is that my miles have to come off-road. I deliver too much of a pounding to my joints when I run on the streets & sidewalks. In the Summer my form suffers as I get dragged down by the heat & humidity. There's no hotter place to run in the Summer than on blacktop! So, I'm spending more time outside in the perpetual 90 degree days and netting most of my miles on trails. For these reasons, and because I get BORED looking at cars going past during a run I needed a trail run half marathon which is somewhat rare.

The first one that came to mind is the "Half-Wit" race in my old hometown of Reading. It's nationally recognized as an annual train-wreck. It is half trail-run and half trail-blaze with stream crossings, unnecessary hill climbs, sticker bushes and rock scrambles. I helped work one of the water stations a few years back and the people coming down the hill looked they had been through a war. This is a fun challenge and I've run a few of their other adventure races but this is NOT what I need to break into the world of the Half Marathon. I shopped around the internet looking for races. I explored traveling but without knowing what the "trail" is really made of it's pretty difficult to judge the course. Crushed gravel is OK but some sweet single track (see example at right) with enough log hops and creek crossings to keep my short-attention span is what I want! I wanted some elevation changes but not sheer hill climbs just for the sake of adding difficulty. Plus I didn't want a big race with thousands of runners either. And within driving distance would be nice.! Yeah, I'm pretty picky. Just when I was starting to think I might not find one this year I get an email from one of the race clubs touting the Sloppy Cuckoo Half Marathon! Saturday September 25th. 10AM. 13.1 miles of rolling hills and varied terrain. Limit 500 runners. Just outside Philadelphia. Perfect!

I quickly sent in my registration before I chickened out or made up some kind of excuse. Now I'm committed - like all the other Cuckoos! With just 8 weeks to prepare I set out a schedule then promptly began to ignore it based on the weather. Here's my training log after two weeks:

Week 1: 14 miles in 3 runs (5,2,6). Too damn humid. Got a little bit of cross training on the bike though.
Week2: 14 miles in 3 runs (2,4,8). The 8 miler is my longest run since November. Plus 5 miles on bike & 5 by hiking boot & 5 by kayak. That's cross-training!
Week 3: Less of an adventure than last week I hope. Depending on the weather we'll see how it goes.

In six weeks I'll post another entry here with my success story - or my tale of woe. =]

Orignal From: Half Marathon? Eric must be Cuckoo!

I'll never grow up until The Simpsons dies...

2010-06-29T12:58:00.000-04:00

The past two months have been tough for my "never grow up" edict. First I went and turned 35. It's not just another year... it's the first one that rounds up to 40! Next I had to admit my limitations on my quest to run a half marathon sometime this year. Every time I start training I injure myself. Just minor complaints mostly but enough to slow me down or force me to take rest time.

Now the biggest blow - possibly ever - has knocked my perpetual puerility for a loop. The Simpsons is no longer on in syndication. I've been enjoying my daily D'oh for as long as I've been shaving. Since before I could vote. Almost as long as I've been driving. How could this be? The Simpsons still was the highest rated show in its time slot this past Sunday, even in reruns, and Homer was just declared TV's greatest character so again I ask; How could this be?! The worst part? They replaced it with life-long Jon Stewart wannabee Craig Kilborn's new show. This is the guy who thinks he owns idea of asking his guest 5 questions and is so painfully uncharismatic that he originally needed writers to create a persona for him. I'll say this for the guy: He's apparently in good with the roaches... he just refuses to die.

Of course, my venom is mostly just in reaction to what he has replaced. I wouldn't have had a cow, man if Fox overlayed TMZ. This almost felt personal and I had to find answers so I hit Fox.com. No mention of the Kilborn show. Interesting. Google was a bit more enlightening - it turns out the show is being tested in only a few markets! That means somewhere children of all ages are still enjoying 10-15 year old 21-23 minute comedic masterworks from the glory days of the show. There is hope! The test-run is only for 6 weeks - ending August 6th.

There are those who say the show is no longer relevant. Those naysayers have apparently allowed themselves to get old. For shame! Truth be told, I don't watch the re-runs every day or even every week but it's a comfort thing to know they're there. I will also admit that the show isn't what it used to be. It couldn't be because I'm getting older and no longer fall into their target demographic. Impossible! No, the blame lies squarely on The Simpsons itself - in setting the bar too high. In a few years the Powers That Be will decide that the show has run long enough and I will... probably cry like a baby. Until then all I can do is wait and enjoy it while it lasts. Six weeks from now I may return to the glorious TV of my youth. Until then, Craig Kilborn can eat my shorts.

Orignal From: I'll never grow up until The Simpsons dies...

My 2000 Saturn LS1 - RIP!

2010-04-17T00:59:00.002-04:00

Back in February I received an email from General Motors. Being a Saturn Owner, they wanted me to know that they would be more than happy to sell me a new car with a nice discount.

The bold print said we are family. The fine print told me that Saturns were excluded from the special.

It was about that time that the front end went out of alignment. Nothing major. Just one more bit of character to the car. I promised myself I would get it aligned the next time I had it in the shop. Well, it didn't need any work for the next few months and then on Easter weekend, while I was on my way down to South Jersey for Easter Dinner I hit the mother of all Jersey Potholes while getting onto the Turnpike. It threw the alignment way out of whack but the car was drivable and nothing is open on Easter so I enjoyed my meal and once everyone was back to work I made an appointment to have the front end twiddled. I took it to a tire place (which should have some experience in alignments) and was told that the sub-frame had bent and would have to be replaced. $900 if I went with a used part. They warmed me that it wasn't really safe because it was a control issue. Having just driven it close to 200 miles, I didn't really listen because I felt I could get it home while I mulled over my mechanical options.

I never suspected the 4 mile ride home would be the car's last ride.

If the car was going to sit for a while it's a bad idea to let it sit with a nearly empty gas tank so I pulled into the Wawa... well, almost. I made it most of the way in and then the wheel fell off. Well, almost. It tore free and wedged into the wheel well. The frame was apparently not just bent but nearly rusted through. It gave way and snapped the axle like a twig. With a sick grinding noise I came to an abrupt stop. I could never get a straight answer when I asked what the "L" stood for in the model name of the car. I think now it was for Luck because his could have easily happened at 70MPH on the highway! As luck would have it, I have AAA PLUS which allows me a 100 mile tow so, of course, I break down less than a mile from my house. I was only a few miles from a trusted mechanic so I had them tow the car there and Heather ferried me home. We called up the insurance folks (NJ Manufacturers) and was delighted to learn that pothole damage falls under my collision coverage. They grabbed the wheel, as it where, and set things in motion.

The damage was considerable. Besides the axle, the strut, brakes, control arm & rocker panel were needing replaced and the transmission was leaking badly. The estimate was $2525. Given the age of the car the insurance folks decided classify my car as a total loss. The next few days saw me behind the wheel of a rented Altima and scrambling to learn everything about the current car market. In retrospect, I should have been paying more attention the past few years. Also in retrospect, if I had heard "Dude! Your wheel's gunna fall off!" instead of "It's a control issue." I probably would have had it repaired. Now it's too late to save my baby!

Earlier today, the salver (A salver salvages cars, get it?) came and took away my car. The salvage value was $315. Ouch. Cleaning it out and taking off the plates was hard. Signing over the title was harder. 10 years ago I very thoroughly researched the market and made what I still believe was a good decision with Saturn. There was one unconscionable recall 5 years ago (just as my warranty ran out) but other than that the car required very little work and never let me sit. In the end it needed tires, the A/C didn't work, the mirrors had to be adjusted by hand, the keyless entry required a key & I had dinged and scratched the car in several places. It had character! It also had a four wheels and you need every single one of those apparently.

I'm still researching cars and thinking of going a little bigger. Something that fits my more active lifestyle without giving up too much gas mileage. I wish I had a little more time to mourn but I can't keep the rental forever. So long Saturn! You were a good company. You were a good car. Maybe that "L" stood for Love.

Orignal From: My 2000 Saturn LS1 - RIP!

Score: Cannoli 2, Chompers 0.

2010-02-28T23:33:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I'm like hanging out with some friends at a pizza place and someone says they want a cannoli and the next thing I know we like all have one and I'm eating it and I don't know what happened but it was crispy and so like it broke my teeth. Yeah, like two of them. Seriously! Dislike!

For the past 4 years or so I've had problems with the lower right molars. They don't like cold. They don't like hot. They really don't like when I eat "Jolly Ranchers" or chew gum. Standard tooth pain and no big deal. Two dentists radiated my face and couldn't find anything structurally wrong.

Score: Cannoli 2, Dentists 0. Undefeated!

It did not hurt when they went but something didn't feel right. I excused myself and visited the lavatory where I spit & rinsed. The fragments were nowhere to be found. I'm assuming I swallowed them or the were pulverized into vapor by the mighty cannoli crust. Upon closer mirror-aided inspection, both teeth lost their interior side and part of the top. It blows my mind that two could break at the same time - possibly on the same bite! On second thought, maybe it's not such an odd thing. After all, they are the same age and they had both been filled nearly 20 years ago by the same dentist.

All that's left is part of the original enamel & a jaggy hunk of plutonium or whatever they used to fill teeth with back in the 80s. I'm kinda broken up (ha ha) about having tooth shards but I'm glad the teeth finally decided they had enough of being pains in the gum. For the moment they're more sensitive being all exposed but hopefully I'll have them capped and then... no more pain when I slurp a cold drink or breakfast up a hot bagel. I'll be trying to arrange some dentistry this week to find out what can be done. Until then I have to do most of my masticating on the sinister side and resist continuously exploring my new mawscape before I wear off the side of my tongue.

Orignal From: Score: Cannoli 2, Chompers 0.

Bag O' Crap!

2010-01-19T12:14:00.002-05:00

It had been a few years since I was able to "win" one of Woot.com's infamous Bags o' Crap. They focus on tech stuff and typically sell just one item/day but every once in a while their warehouse fills up with crap they just can't sell ... so they sell a bag of crap for $3. I don't know where the fascination with the unknown comes from but if Monty Hall has taught us anything, it is always take what is inside the box or behind the curtain! Usually within seconds of a BOC being posted for sale the whole site melts down as the orders come in at an incredible rate making it impossible for most of us to get in there early enough to get one of the few special treasures. Fortunately, they provide a Christmas Miracle every year giving us an extra chance - if we stay up past Santa Time on Christmas Eve. At 1AM EST on Christmas Day a BOC hit the site and my order managed to slip through. This year they obfuscated the "buy one" link to prevent internet trolling robots from buying them all up and I, a mere human, was able to get the BOC that I earned by being a good boy all year.

Anyway, they ship the things by FedEx SmartPost (aka, someone walks it across the country periodically stopping to smell the flowers) so it took 23 days to arrive at my door. The bag was actually a box and in and of itself was a crap as it had nearly torn through on the bottom. Fortunately, my promised three craps were safe inside. This is what I received:

1) Not one, not two but *TEN* pocket calculators! Yes, believe it or not, small electronic gizmos used to come without built-in phones. These come full featured with off buttons!

2) One "Pail # 5 Bright Red" From Buquet Supply, INC. Made in Mexico. This bad-ass bucket is made of metal and the kinda red you only see on the nails of a professional manicurist.

3) One "Brothers in Arms - Hell's Highway" video game promo action figure. Comes complete with eighteen points of articulation, two guns, two grenades, one knife, one helmet, one parachute, one backpack, one utility belt & one ammo-filled man-purse. Plus he's got kung-fu grip!

So, am I happy with my crap? Of course! I always remember the primary crap rule: Thou shalt not get the crap you want, thou shall want the crap you get.

Orignal From: Bag O' Crap!

The 12 Days of Christmas

2009-12-29T17:00:00.001-05:00

One of the reasons I haven't been adding many new posts here in 2009 was that I've been doing more on Facebook. Yeah, I know, as stated on the homepage: I suck. I wont proclaim that I'll post more updates here in 2010 but I will aggregate some of my FB stuff. To that end, let me begin with my 12 favorite Christmas songs as posted on Facebook but with more information (and not necessarily in order). I know that the true 12 days of Christmas are from December 25th through January 6th (The Epiphany) but I wanted to count down to the big day as we currently celebrate it. Music is my favorite part of the Christmas Season. This list is long overdue (and far too short).

Day 12: A non-traditional and a great start to any holiday season! I heard it first on 33rpm long-play record - John Denver & The Muppets - A Christmas Together - When the River Meets the Sea. The song was written by Paul Williams for Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas which is another one of my Christmas favorites.

Day 11: A non-secular classic today. When making my Christmas "mix tapes" back in the day, I excluded Jingle Bells because most recorded versions were too childish. Then I heard this version on an oldies station by accident and it became a favorite. Sing, clap or stomp, just make a joyous noise for Fats Domino's version of Jingle Bells!

Day 10: Carol of the Drum, better known as The Little Drummer Boy with words and music by Katherine K. Davis. Check out the interesting side bar on the link - the song dates back to 1941. This is the "original" recorded version arranged and sung by the Harry Simeone Chorale.

Day 9: Oh Holy Night - my favorite traditional and the first song ever broadcast via radio. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Ignore the video. Just listen. The true beauty of this song is its legendary history. My favorite line is usually not sung: "Truly He taught us to love one another, His law is love and His gospel is peace."

Day 8: With snow on all of our minds, I have to go with White Christmas. Written in 1940 and introduced two years later in the musical Holiday Inn, not the 1954 movie of the same name. I love Bing's version, but The Drifters have way more fun with it. Their video can't be embedded so I present the always fun animated version.

Day 7: Nat King Cole - The Christmas Song - Although its been sung many times, many ways, it was written by Mel Torme in 1947 who was just trying to keep cool one hot summer. Nat changed it slightly by adding the strings section and the song became one of the biggest hits ever. I couldn't imagine Christmas without it!

Day 6: Another old stand-by - Burl Ives singing Holly Jolly Christmas. I still love the 1964 "claymation" movie where most of us heard this song for the first time. This one was written in by Johnny Marks who, though Jewish, wrote many other Christmas classics including Rudolph, Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree and Run Rudolph Run.

Day 5: It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas as sung by Bing Crosby. "But the prettiest sight to see is the holly that will be on your own front door." Every year I make a pilgrimage to some remote forest in NJ and harvest the annual sprig of Holly. This year I visited the maritime forest on Sandy Hook with my wife and a good friend of ours. Good times & happy memories!

Day 4: Happy XMas - John Lennon with the Harlem Community Choir. Yes, the song is titled "XMas" not "Chirstmas". "So this is Christmas and what have we done? Another year over, a new one just begun." Actually a protest song but the message is simple - Peace. On Christmas day remember the man but honor his message.

Day 3: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas works beautifully in duets. One of my favorite versions features Bing Crosby & Frank Sinatra but that isn't one of YouTube's favorites. This version features two performers which I dearly miss. ..."Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow." I tried to not go back to the well with my most favorite Christmas Album of all time... although the lyrics have changed a lot over the years, I could only find recordings where Bing misses a lyric (He says Self instead of Heart) so I go with what works.

Day 2: From the Emmy Award winning Charlie Brown Christmas Special - Christmas Time Is Here by Vince Guaraldi. "Christmas time is here. We'll be drawing near. Oh, that we could always see such spirit through the year!" This video features an excellent edit of the special and includes Linus' monologue (Luke 2:8-14). The inclusion of this word-for-word reading originally horrified CBS executives but Charles Shultz insisted saying "If we don't tell the true meaning of Christmas, who will?". Read more of the interesting history here.

Christmas Day: John Denver & the Muppets - Alfie the Christmas Tree. Anyone that knows me probably had a good inkling that this would be my final song. It's one of John Denver's favorites and it was inspired by the Muppets that helped him perform it. Merry Christmas! The video features the entire segment of the special including a duet with Kermit. Great stuff.

Orignal From: The 12 Days of Christmas

Throwing away 15 years for $2.10.

2009-08-31T22:43:00.001-04:00

My favorite use for this site is venting when I'm pissed so here goes: I'm through with Citibank. They were my first credit card and the only ones who took a chance on the stupid kid with no credit but at some point they got complacent. They made deals with third party "credit protection" folks who, while probably legit back in 1994, are certainly not any longer. 12 years ago I subscribed to a $15/year "credit protection" service paid every 3 years. The credit cards weren't really doing it yet and the service seemed like a good deal as I kept "losing" my wallet. After a few years I stopped receiving updated from the service. I'm guessing they got snapped up by one of the scammer groups. Anyway, 6 Years ago I canceled the service because the credit cards were watching their own backs. 3 years ago I got charged again despite the cancellation. It was difficult to find out who the hell these people were too. If they were still even REMOTELY legit I'd at least get an invoice. I disputed the charges and they got reversed. Bravo.

In the past 3 years I have moved, changed my phone number & my credit card number has been changed not once but twice because the stupid internet vendors are unable to keep my number private. You'd think that any subscription service would be out of luck, right? I mean month-to-month on Napster got screwed up... now could a once-every-three-years survive?

Not without help from the credit card company of course! Because Citi has facilitated these scammers (and "earned" approximately $2.10 on the transaction). And because the amount hasn't been credited as I requested when I called them. And because I was given the run-around and spontaneously disconnected twice.Â And because they didn't send me the statements from 3 years ago like I requested last week. And because their interest rate is up to 20%. But mostly because they like to change my billing date, refuse to stop sending me balance transfer "checks", charged fees for "forwarding" my Napster subscription to the new new number and drop charges on top of the interest for being a day late (while closing their business day whenever they feel like it).

So, see ya Citi. Hope you get a lot of happiness out of your $2.10 because you sold me out for the last time.

Orignal From: Throwing away 15 years for $2.10.

The Cluster of 2009

2009-02-28T23:52:00.001-05:00

Around Christmas late last year I started into a cluster cycle of headaches. Itâs been a long while since I wrote about these so Iâll retell my tale of the pain in the brain. Cluster Headache is in the migraine family. A typical day in the life of a Clusterati has me feeling a little strange about 3 hours after waking up and then spending 15 to 30 minutes with a serious headache isolated exclusively on the left side of my head. Unlike a regular headache the pain is sharp and constant. My left eye waters, I get extra sensitive toâ¦ pretty much everything & once in a while itâs enough to give me the classic migraine nausea. Once in a while theyâll just cease but they usually peter out after several minutes. Often, Iâll be due for another episode 3-4 hours later and then done for the day. This is the largest thing that separates them from standard migraine. They seem to be directly tied to the circadian rhythms AKA, your sleep cycles. This particular cycle was a little out of the ordinary in that I was frequently getting them in the evening and twice in the middle of the night.

Itâs been a week now since I had a full-blown attack so Iâm definitely coming out of this cluster pattern. This is the other defining factor and where Cluster Headaches get their name. They come in groups over a few months and then completely vanish for as much as a year or two. My current cycle will have lasted almost exactly two months, which is on the short side, but Iâm certainly not complaining.

Due to the quick onset & (hopefully) rapid departure of the pains, taking medication isnât really a solution. A few times in the past 2 months I had dull (for clusters) headache that just lasted all day. In those cases 12-hour pain caps took the edge off but for most of the days thereâs just nothing you can take that will do more than slowly make you immune to the pain dampener. The only thing Iâve found that can truly beat down a cluster headache in full swing is a terrific rush of endorphins & adrenaline. If Iâm at home Iâll hit the basement where we store the free weights. If Iâm out and about Iâll do a few wind sprints. If Iâm at the office â" and this is where the headaches most frequently occur â" thereâs not much I can do. While working in New York I used to take a walk to the stairway and knock off a few dozen flights. 10 down and 16 back up followed by a walk on the roof usually did the trick. The panic inducing vertigo of looking down 16 stories onto the streets of Manhattan sometimes provided the finishing touch.

The correlation between circadian rhythms and exercise beating the pain is something of a mystery to me but I can see that getting the blood flowing & opening up the capillaries in my head is the solution. Now I just need my current employer to put in an additional 15 stories of building.

Orignal From: The Cluster of 2009

Monthly Update - January

2009-02-01T00:31:00.002-05:00

I only seem motivated to drop a post here once a month so I'll make it a tradition.

This has been a turbulent month for me in a lot of ways. It all started when I returned to work after the New Year's break and discovered our parent companies had filed for their country's equivalency of bankruptcy.Â The American division is ok so far but it's not a pretty sight overseas. I hear about companies all over laying people off left and right and I can't help but feel a bit worried, especially after my other New Year's surprise - my property taxes went up 10%. Thanks Corzine!

Other turbulence: The other Saturday I flipped on the old boob tube (which doesn't have a tube. Oh well.) and found nothing but infomercials for hair products & yoga mats. What the? When I was a whipper snapper I lived for Saturday Morning Cartoons and now they are nowhere to be found. I suppose they've moved up the dial. You can always get something animated on the Cartoon or Nick networks but Yoga and Hair curlers? Damn... kids are going to just have to go outside to find entertainment!

Two days later I was shocked to hear G-Rock, my favorite radio station, suddenly change formats. Without warning they went from a progressive alt-rock station to a soulless top 40 cookie cutter TMZ mess. The station had been the anchor of my presets and it left a giant hole where "4" used to be. I wasn't alone in my disgust. By that weekend 7500 people had organized on Facebook (yeah, I got drawn in) and 3500 signatures had been signed on the Bring Back G-Rock petition. As of this writing Facebook has 9500 members & the petition is up to 4600 signatures.

I'm disappointed but I'm afraid the station wont go back to what it was. Nor will the institution of Saturday Morning Cartoons draw children together on weekends. Times they are a changing and terrestrial radio will be the first to go. Network Television may eventually follow. The Internet is largely to blame and though I love some of the changes, I'm sorry to see my options diminished. I could go with Satellite Radio but then I'll have to get subscribed. I could get a plan on my phone... but once again, they make you subscribe. Not for me, man! Information & Entertainment was meant to be free. I'll reconsider when "data" isn't a "plan" and "commercial free" really is free from commercialism. One day in the hopefully distant future I'll look back at the early 00's and remember them as the golden age of entertainment & information - when it was still free and available in multiple ways.

On one hand it will be excellent to turn on The Fiosion to check your email, pull up the latest pictures of your nephew and instantly begin watching the latest episode of The Simpsons (Now in it's 33rd year!) but the flip side of that coin is that you'll be locked into a 5 year deal with T-Mobile/Verizon (Officially branded as T.V.) and subject to personal commercials directed right into your psychy based on the things they know about from your Gmail account. Don't think it's possible? Get a glimpse of the future on Facebook. Change your birth-date to something in the 50s and watch the ads change to wrinkle cream & arthritis pills. Mark yourself as "Single" and the dating ads will fill your sidebar. Just wait until they know your car just went over 100,000 miles, that you're addicted to Chap-Stick, and that you never returned that overdue library book (ya know, from back when Libraries still existed).

Ok, that's enough grousing for one month. I'll be back next month with less insight and more hindsight.

Orignal From: Monthly Update - Januar

Final Football Wrapup!

2008-12-24T12:14:00.001-05:00

I failed to totally jinx myself! Here's the rundown:

Midnight Stalkers: I got crushed. 2nd place isn't bad though. Stupid DeAngelo Williams.
WW GNU League: Victory! The title stays with our department and I win the cashito!
Multi-State Showdown: I actually hoped to lose, but I seem to have won. Oh well. :-)
Open Sports Test League: Victory! Because I played with the site in beta testing they say I'll get free use for life. Hopefully they'll get the bugs worked out by then.

Ok, so 6 leagues, 4 championship games, 3 championships. Not too shabby!

I'm planning on joining less leagues next year but of course I said that last year too. . .

Orignal From: Final Football Wrapup!

Fantasy Football Report 2008

2008-12-21T14:51:00.001-05:00

Every year I post a report a few times during the season and unfailingly it jinxes me. This year shall be no different, except I'm jinxing myself as I play for the championship in 4 of the 6 leagues I joined.

Midnight Stalkers: 2nd seed. Playing for the Golden Meatball. 9-4-1
WW GNU League: 5th seed. Playing for cold hard cash & to keep the championship in our department. 8-5
Multi-State Showdown: 2nd seed. Playing for the Trophy and a 4-peat. Crazy! 9-5
Geocachers League: 2nd seed, but only because the 1 seed played me without my RB & WR. Bounced in the first round by a terrific game by the 3rd seed. 11-2
Yahoo Champions League: Formed of previous Yahoo league champs, I had a tough season and finished 5-9 though I was 5th in total points. Sometimes it's more about luck than a good draft.
Open Sports Test League: 1st seed and playing for the championship. This league was just a beta-test of the new site. 10-4. I didn't pay too much attention in this league.

Ok, so 6 leagues, 4 championship games. I'm hoping to pull off upsets in the first two.

So wish me luck... I'll post an update tomorrow or Tuesday with the results!

Orignal From: Fantasy Football Report 2008

Navesink Challenge

2008-11-30T23:15:00.003-05:00

After training for the past several months for no particular reason I decided I wanted to run an official race this fall. A race on a Sunday in which Heather could participate would be perfect. Enter the Navesink Challenge - a local race that featured a 15K & 5K along with an after-party at Outback Steakhouse. Perfect! We pre-registered and were all set.

The weather looked to be a potential rainy problem early on but the night before forecasted that the rain shouldn't start until noonish. Of course it decided to start at 5 AM instead. When the race kicked off at 10 AM it was 41 degrees and raining. Yuck!

The 15K started 10 minutes before the 5K and I misheard the announcement. As the starting gun sounded I was clear on the other side of the field so I ended up starting dead last. Fine by me. This way nobody can pass me!

I had decided early on that I would attempt to run every step of the race. The last time I tried a 15K it was the Mount Penn Mud Fest and the trails were often steep, narrow and crowded. This meant I had to walk portions. As I ran it with my cousin Terri I didn't mind the walk as it gave me a chance to catch my breath and keep up my end of the conversation. I only walked a few tenths of a mile over all but I couldn't really say I "ran" a 15K now could I?

This time I'm proud to say that I did run all 15K except for a studder-step-dance while I tossed a water stop cup. It got a little hairy early on when I hit the large back-of-the-packers trying to funnel over a narrow bit by a steam. I went over a guardrail and around about a dozen people but didn't have to stop and walk! Most of those folks passed me in the next few miles but I got the positions back on the hills. I'm much more of a sprinter than a distance runner so hills don't bother me as much as they do others. Well, the uphill parts anyway.

The downhill parts give me another problem - bouncing. For the final long hill I decided to spare my quads the typical pounding and just increase my turnover and wheel down the hill by converting some of my forward motion into bounding strides. For some reason this creates side stitches on my right side as the bouncing does something evil to the muscles. I'm no doctor but I know what hurts. With only a mile and a half to go I started cramping badly. It completely locked on me with just under a mile to go.

I could either walk and try to get the cramp out or I could (literally) gut it out and finish slow. I finished slow. 8 people passed me on that last stretch which was disappointing as I had worked really hard to get past them in the final few miles but at least I finished and accomplished my mission!

It rained off and on throughout the race but, thanks to an early Christmas gift from Heather, I was warm and dry in my weatherproof jacket. I had picked out the jacket a few months earlier and didn't think I'd need it until true Winter hit but I was glad it was available today. Nature is all good but nothing beats good new-fashioned petrochemical science-crafted synthetic goodness to keep you comfortable when the weather gets ugly!

After I finished and walked off the cramps I found Heather and learned that she finished her 5K successfully and even thought she could have went longer. Yay! Adding to the fun was that my bib number was lucky 75 representing my birth year & winner of a random prize - a t-shirt and bag combo. The bag says X-C and features a cross-bones motif. I guess this means Cross Country. Hey, what do you want for free-random-prize-swag? Heather won a door prize too so both of our numbers came up lucky today!

Heather hooked me up with a sports massage when we got home and then we cashed in our free appetizer & drink voucher at the local Outback and enjoyed a victory meal. I think we earned it.

After seeing her picture on the results page Heather remarked that she wanted to do another race. I've created a monster!

Linkies:
Race Results: http://www.jsrc.org/raceresults/navesinkresults.htm

Orignal From: Navesink Challenge

Just because I haven't shared anything in a while...

2008-09-30T10:31:00.001-04:00

In the Summer of 1779 the land of Tatum Park near Middletown, NJ was a small farm owned by a family that was struggling to just keep the farm running. To make matters worse, British soldiers were occupying their land. Young Emily had a magnificent garden of native flowers, but the wildflowers that grew in the meadows were her favorite. Emily watched with irritation as the troops made camp in a field that was being allowed to grow natural that season. They crushed down her beloved wildflowers & greedily ate the berries she had been cultivating all Spring.

One of the soldiers took notice & saved a large bouquet of flowers, which he presented to her one morning. Despite their differences, the two fell in love. Though she never tried to change his mind, her love of the land was infectious & soon after being deployed into battle the young soldier defected to the Colonial Army. He promised to marry her when he returned. He wrote to Emily frequently over the next year but one day the letters stopped coming. The years piled up, the war ended & she lost hope & began to despair. She was inconsolable. As Emily's health began to fail so did the farm. Crops withered, fruits dried on the vine & not a flower could be seen on the property.

On the occasion of the first frost in 1783 Emily took a walk in the North East meadow, sat down to rest under a willow tree & never woke up. She was buried in that same meadow. On Christmas Eve of that season her lover finally returned. He had been captured by the British & sent over seas as a prisoner of war. The revolution ended before he could stand trial & eventually he was able to make his way back to the colonies. Her soldier was saddened when he heard the news of her death but war had hardened him & he could shed no tears. Emily's mother led him to the gravesite. As he knelt by Emily's final resting place, her Mother placed a bundle of dried flowers alongside the headstone. The soldier recognized the flowers as the very bouquet he gave her when they first met. His heart finally broke & he began to weep.

On the first day of Spring life returned to the farm when a lone Morning Glory bloom unfolded to greet the dawn. It had sprouted alongside Emily's grave where her love's tears fell to earth.

Orignal From: Just because I haven't shared anything in a while...

Running & Swimming & Rain

2008-07-24T17:38:00.001-04:00

It's 6:50 AM, 69 degrees, it's raining... hard and I'm running up my street mentally typing up this blog.

There's something refreshing about running in the rain, but from the looks on the faces of the people who saw me, most folks don't get it. Rather than try to explain it I simply suggest you give it a try! I try to rain-run as frequently as my shoes will allow during the warm months because:
A) It's one way to stay cool.
B) It recharges my batteries like little else that I have discovered.
C) I get to play in the puddles.

On the back half of my loop I was watching my feet splash in a small stream that had formed on the sidewalk when I heard a cheerful "Hi". I looked up and discovered another jogger, soaked to the bone but smiling, heading the opposite direction. I shot him a smile & a "Hey" because I recognized a kindred spirit soaking in the weather. I bet he turned to hit those same puddles I was splashing when he saw me.

Water and running go hand-in-hand which is why I enjoy running the Ocean Grove Biathlon every year. The race was this past Saturday and I set a new personal record though I'm not sure how. I placed 59th out of roughly 140 runners. It was near 90 degrees and sunny at 8:30 in the morning. The water was only 68, but it felt good after pounding out two 7 minute miles. I ran out of juice on the swim portion of the race but struggled through and was still passing people as I stumbled up the beach to the finish line. I came in at 20:58 (approximated based on where I assumed the starting line was). My official time doesn't exist because this isn't one of those super organized races. We don't even wear bibs! All I know is that I've never finished under 21 minutes before, that I had a blast & that I'll run it every year until I'm old enough to medal.

If I can maintain the 21 minute race I'll have a shot when I hit the 60-69 age group.

Linkie:
OGBi results by age group

Orignal From: Running & Swimming & Rain

Out of Body Experience!

2008-07-17T22:03:00.001-04:00

Did you know that Geocaching is the only cache site the doesn't have an actual Latin prefix?

It's true, it's clue!

The other day I was driving home from work and the car hit 100,000 miles just as I was passing Holmdel Park. I took the opportunity to explore Historic Longstreet Farm and scout out some cache locations. I found three good spots and used one almost immediately.

My most recent Geocaching hide is an addition to Team EKitt10's excellent "Psychic Friends Network" series. I'm using the "Out of Body Experience" angle and forcing cachers to think outside the box (or outside the physical realm) to find the coordinates. I spent some time this evening making the puzzle more fun and adding easter eggs to the cache page. If you're reading this and you came from the cache page then you obviously found one of the easter eggs! :-)

Good luck, happy hunting and enjoy your OOBE!

Orignal From: Out of Body Experience!

Captain Kidd's Treasure Found!

2008-06-25T14:36:00.001-04:00

Captain William Kidd stood on the Gallows & a thin rain began to fall. He was dressed in the full splendor of a decorated colonial captain of the seas from the spotless coat to the new pair
of boots. A list of crimes for which Kidd stood accused was being read for the gathered crowd but Kidd wasn't listening. He had spent the past few weeks becoming familiar with all of the crimes he had been charged. Right now he was busily scanning the crowd & looking for a familiar face. Had his friends shown up at the last? The noose was placed around his neck & a dark sack over his head. As the darkness covered his eyes, his life, as it tends to do in these situations, flashed before them...

William Kidd was born in 1645 in Greenock Scotland. His family sailed to the New World while
Kidd was still young. They settled in New York City, which at the time was merely struggling to support itself as a seaport. Kidd spent his life on the Ocean & won acclaim fighting the French during King William's War. He was granted the Rank of Captain & held in high regard by his community & peers. In 1695 Kidd was called to Great Britain. At the recommendation of the Earl of Bellomont, who was the Governor of New York at the time, Captain Kidd was granted an official Letter of Marque from King William III.

"William the Third, by the Grace of God, King of England, Scotland, France and Ireland, … To our trusty and well beloved Captain William Kid, Commander of the Ship the Adventure Galley… GREETING; Whereas we are informed, that Captain Thomas Tew, John Ireland, Captain Thomas Wake, and Captain William Maze… do, against the Law of Nations, commit many and great Pyracies, Robberies and Depredations on the Seas…. Now KNOW YE, that we being desirous to prevent the aforesaid Mischiefs, and, as much as in us lyes, to bring the said Pyrates, Free Booters and Sea Rovers to Justice, have thought fit, and do hereby give and grant to the said William Kid, to whom our Commissioners for exercising the Office of Lord High Admiral of England, have granted a Commission as a private Man of War, bearing Date the 11th Day of December 1695, … full Power and Authority to apprehend, seize, and take into your Custody… all such Pyrates… which you shall meet with upon the Seas,… with all their Ships and Vessels; and all such Merchandizes, Money, Goods and Wares as shall be found on board…"

King William also granted Captain Kidd a license as a Privateer to attack any French ship he should chance to encounter. The expedition was funded by Lord Bellomont, several politically connected Nobles & King William himself. Kidd was given command of the Adventure, a 237-ton galley featuring 34 cannon & oars for out maneuvering enemy ships. He loaded his ship with the best sailors he could find & set sail. Before the Adventure could even hit open waters a Navy vessel approached. Showing some early colonial disdain for imperial Great Britain, Captain Kidd refused to salute (or possibly mooned) the Navy vessel. The end result was the Navy forcibly impressed (or drafted) the majority of Kidd's crew. Undaunted, he sailed for his home harbor of New York where he hoped to be able to find enough sailors to round out his crew. Unfortunately, New Yorkers had enough problems of their own without worrying about "Pyrates" hiding in the West Indies. Those he could convince to join him on the voyage were mostly made up of men who needed to flee the colonies for legal reasons & they demanded the lions share of the profits. With this inauspicious start, the Adventure set sail for Madagascar seeking pirates… with a crew made up of men who had most likely been pirates just days before signing on with Captain Kidd.

When the King of the most powerful nation in the world decides that he's going to start hunting pirates the word spreads quickly – even over the seas. By the time Kidd was finally en route from the Americas all of the pirates mentioned in the official charter had made themselves scarce. Kidd & his crew bided their time & were able to take over a small French ship but it did little to serve their purpose… or line the greedy crew's pockets. The Captain used the same methods he had employed with success back in the Colonies – to mingle with the other Privateers of the area. Many of the other Captains were small time pirates in their own way but Kidd was after a larger prize. Unfortunately, his crew saw this as wasted time & became restless. The Adventure encountered many richly laden Indian vessels but, despite the opposition of the crew, Kidd made no moves against them. Men started to desert &, sensing an eventual mutiny, Kidd set sail for the Red Sea with talk of intercepting a rich fleet of which he had caught rumor. "We have been unsuccessful hitherto; but courage, my boys, we'll make our fortunes out of this fleet!"It was not meant to be & the Adventure never met the fabled fleet.
On October 30 1697 a rich Dutch ship sailed into view &, tired of waiting, the crew urged Captain Kidd to attack. The Captain refused, knowing that attacking the Dutchman would be both piratical & sure to anger King William who was of Dutch descent. William Moore, a gunner under Kidd's command spoke out loudly against his captain & burnished a sharpened chisel. The two exchanged words & it became clear that a full-blown mutiny was sure to occur if Kidd was unable to quiet Moore. Without speaking a word Captain Kidd strongly suggested that Moore return to his work by heaving a wooden bucket at him. It was an unlucky throw as the bucket struck Moore in the head & he died the next day. A bucket is a far cry from a deadly weapon & it's obvious that a mortal blow wasn't intended, but the act didn't do much to improve moral on the Adventure. The next time they docked to resupply much of the crew deserted.

In late January or early February of 1698 their luck finally turned & they were able to easily capture an Armenian ship the Quedah Merchant. Kidd & crew boarded the ship & learned that though the captain of the ship was English, he had purchased passes from the French East India Company making the Quedah Merchant a fair target of the war. The ship was one of the greatest prizes ever claimed by a Privateer. She was a 400-ton beauty laden with gold, silver & all manors of extremely valuable linens. The value might have exceeded 100 million in modern dollars. Kidd kept the French passes & the ship which he renamed Adventure Prize.

Back in England, disgruntled former crew members of the Adventure told the crown that Kidd had refused to attack pirates & had even turned pirate himself. A fantastic political scandal ensued when political opponents of the Kidd's backers got wind that King William himself was funding a pirate! Great stories of piracy & barbarism on the high seas were invented to fan the political firestorm.

When Kidd learned he was a wanted man most of his crew deserted him so he left the Adventure behind & sailed for home in the Adventure Prize. Only 10% of the original crew remained loyal to their Captain including Monmouth County residents Moses Butterworth & William Leeds. Upon arriving in the Caribbean, Kidd learned that several British men-of-war were patrolling the East coast looking for the Quedah Merchant. Realizing his prize was marked he scuttled the Merchant & set out for New York confident he could convince Lord Bellomont of his innocence. Kidd made several stops in New Jersey & Long Island before the authorities knew he was in the area. During this time he secretly buried much of his treasure – some 40,000 pounds – to be used as leverage. Kidd, leaving several of his men in West Jersey with strict instructions on what to do in the event he was arrested, then sought out Lord Bellomont who was residing in Boston at the time. Unfortunately, Bellomont decided that bringing Kidd before the throne in chains was the best way to save his own neck & had Kidd & his men arrested.

The trial was a travesty of justice & the nobles who had financed Kidd's voyages made sure to burn Kidd's logbook & lose the French passes from the Quedah Merchant. In the end Kidd & most of his crew was found guilty of piracy & the murder of his gunner William Moore. Moses Butterworth & William Leeds had remained in West Jersey where they were tried & found not guilty.

... Captain Kidd awoke from his reverie in time to hear the official proclamation that he was to hang by his neck until he was dead. The rain had begun to soak through the thin sack & he could almost see through it. There was a disturbance in the crowd & some shouting but he didn't have time to wonder what might have caused the fuss because at just that moment the floor dropped out from beneath him… & he fell… & the noose pulled tight… & the rope snapped! The crowd gasped as Captain Kidd disappeared through the trap door & landed with a grunt on the ground beneath the platform. In those days this stay of execution wasn't seen as a sign of divine provenance but rather an indication of a poorly made knot. After a few moments of confusion Captain William Kidd was bustled back up onto the stage where the noose was refitted & secured into place. Though most of the crowd & the officials on the stage were nearly soaked to the bone, Kidd was gauged dry enough that the noose would not slip free. Without delay the trap was sprung & a few agonizing seconds later the saga of Captain William Kidd ended at the end of a taught rope. As the crowd began to disperse, William Leeds, loyal to the end, fought against the crowds until he was near the front. An old muddy pair of boots dangled at eye-level only a few yards away. He smiled.

So what of Kidd's buried treasure? Well, there are more rumors than fact. Every state up & down the coast has a tale of Captain Kidd's buried booty, but only two states have ever found any of it. The first cache of gold was unearthed on Gardiners Island just off the coast of Long Island New York. The owner of the land had cooperated with the British authorities in retrieving some 10,000 Pounds. Gold coins have also been discovered in New Jersey within the Raritan Bay. The first strike was at Money Island & the second at Duck Pond, now known as Treasure Lake. Let's look at the legends & skim the fact from the fiction.

It's a fact that William Leeds had money. In his will he left 438 acres of land to the county & the Christ Church. This land is where Thompson Park & Brookdale Community College is
today. On the foundation of an old jail (the very jail that once held his friend Moses Butterworth) Leeds built the Christ Church of Middletown.

It's a fact that Money Island is no more. It's been excavated to the point where it's nothing more than a sandbar. If there was treasure on the island it's long been spent or sent to Davy Jones' Locker.

It's a fact that the Army Corps of Engineers surveyed & excavated large sections of Cliffwood Beach a few decades ago. They built up the seawall as if to protect the unfound treasure from the elements. The positioning of their benchmarks is very suspicious.

It's fiction that Captain Kidd used two gigantic trees as range markers to navigate to the hiding place of the gold. These trees, known as "Kidd's Rangers" were supposedly at the mouth of the Raritan Creek & atop of Rose Hill in Matawan. There were indeed very large trees in those locations but it's highly unlikely anyone could use them as markers from the bay. Of course someone did try eventually... & by no small coincidence there's a small park at the site where the trees would lead a sailor. In fact, the exact center point has been calculated – & an ACoE benchmark labeled PL190 exists there to this day.

It's a fact that Treasure Lake is just North of this mysterious park – & the actual site of the buried treasure! After Captain Kidd was arrested William Leeds dug up the treasure
& moved it. This is why some coins were found on Money Island. He spread rumors of "Kidd's Rangers" to throw people off the trail but actually buried it ... where X marks the spot! To help guide Kidd back to his treasure Leeds left a clue in the church he built – he carved a cross above the pulpit. The cross represented a prominent feature of the landscape of that time. It has since been replaced with a man-made structure. The treasure hunters of yesteryear got everything right except one crucial detail... they dug in the wrong direction!

In days gone by treasure hunters found "the cross" & started digging into the sand right on the beach but the base of the cross isn't telling you where to dig… it's pointing the right direction to dig! The addition of the benchmarks makes it easier on current treasure seekers. To find the current resting place of Kidd's treasure you'll need to locate benchmark PL160 – or the spot it would have been if treasure hunters trying to cover their tracks hadn't removed it. You'll need to search the seawall & find the midpoint between PL150 & PL170. From that point, follow the line of the cross 30 feet. You'll know you are going in the right direction if you pass a smaller vertical cross. Back in Kidd's day, your "tunnel" would have ended in buried treasure. Today you do not need to dig, as a 30-foot tunnel would come right out the other side of the hill. That spot is where you will find the treasure!

Some may call me a fool for sharing this information, but I trust that you will treat the treasure as the historical artifact that it is & take only a small sampling of the treasure for their own. Do not feel the need to trade swag at this cache. While exploring the seawall be mindful that it's called Cliffwood beach for a reason. Be careful. Be safe. Have fun.

This cache is certified Central Jersey.

Orignal From: Captain Kidd's Treasure Found!

Catching up...

2008-05-27T22:12:00.001-04:00

Ok, it's been months since I've typed anything into this spot so I'm way overdue (again). Today is probably not the best day to attempt creative (or accurate) writing as I'm recovering from a pretty bad bout of food poisoning. I wont go into details except to say that if Illness = Kung Fu, I was practicing the "Double Headed Dragon" for many hours yesterday. The final symptom was a fever coming in at a balmy 101.5° Fahrenheit. By that time I was able to stomach some dry toast - and cook it on my forehead.

The reason I haven't written here is because I've been writing elsewhere, moonlighting if you will, albeit in the daylight mostly (Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!). I'm proud to report as of this month that CentralJerseyGeocaching.net is up and running. To date we have 59 users and lots of cool features that I consider cool even if you don't because cool is subjective and all features are cooler when you identify/install/configure & manually tweak them all by yourself. Yeah, it's been a lot of work but I've learned a more about PHP coding & a lot more about Joomla as a Content Management System. We're not nearly done so I probably wont be writing here very much. Honesty == Refreshing.

Since my last writing I've had a few notable experiences. The first was the big trip to North Carolina to visit my Mom & check out (and volunteer for) the Storytelling Festival of the Carolinas. The festival is only in it's 2nd year but they brought in 4 featured tellers of national acclaim and pulled off a wonder of festivality. To make things more interesting, a very large tree decided to topple (on Arbor Day no less) right onto the main tent. Now this was a Circus Quality Super Tent so the tree didn't wreck it, but there wasn't any way we could let people sit inside with a few tons of tree looming overhead. Some emergency management found a few guys with chainsaws & a bucket truck and the tree was gone within a few hours. The tellers put on an amazing show and I got to chat them up in between sets & after the performances. My only regret is that the festival took up large hunks of the days & I didn't get a chance to just hang out with mi madre as much as I would have liked.

On the Geocaching front, the extra travel has netted me 3 more states & lots of finds. I'm at 560 finds as of this writing. I have 15 caches hidden (in 3 states) and 3 more caches right around the corner. My favorite is a cache honoring Capt. William Kidd. Disgraced & hanged as a Pirate, he was a actually a misunderstood privateer who simply ran afoul of his financiers. The geocache itself will be near Treasure Lake & is of the multi/puzzle variety. It will require you to piece together the clues that Capt. Kidd's loyal crew left allowing Captain Kidd to reclaim his buried treasure one day. Gold coins were actually discovered in two spots less than a quarter mile from my home so I couldn't resist putting a cache there. The contents of the cache are completely unique as well but I wont reveal the secret here! Kidd was hanged on May 23rd 1701 so this past weekend, exactly 307 years later, under the light of the moon, I buried Kidd's Cache while Heather stood guard.

The most recent happening was the passing of my annual Continually Reoccurring Affirmation Period. This means I'm now 33 years old. For my birthday the most interesting gift I received was the food poisoning I mentioned earlier. Happy Barfday to meeee! Fortunately, we had done some celebrating earlier in the weekend. On Saturday night we went up to a comedy club in New Brunswick & saw comedy legend Gallagher. He's the guy who is famous for smashing watermelons (among other things) to end his sets. Compared to other comedians his routine is very organic (no pun intended). He plays off of the audience &, in this small venue, interacted directly on several occasions. Not the least of which was allowing all of the folks who had a birthday to kneel before the smashing platform and receive some birthday cake at high velocity! Good times (and small bits of my birthday cake) were had by all.

That's enough for today. Rest assured that other interesting things have happened and many random thoughts were thunk but until I decide that I'd rather be typing instead of jogging, caching, movie-watching, book-reading or web-community-developing... well, the postings will be less than frequent. Until next time!

Orignal From: Catching up...

Nine & a Third Miles

2008-03-24T22:31:00.003-04:00

This past weekend I ran in the world famous Mount Penn Mudfest in Reading, Pennsylvania. It's a trail run that takes you up and down as many hills and through as many mud-pits & streams as the race designers could fit into 15 kilometers.

When I first heard about the race from my cousin Terri I thought it sounded like a really good time but too darn long of a run. Since then I've been training on trails, hills & mud for a few years and little by little (by very little) getting my mileage up. Last year I ran my first organized 10K (6.2 miles) so this year the next step was obviously the 15K!. Of course, I can't do anything the easy way so I have to try the grungiest 15K anyone has ever conceived.

The weather didn't make things any easier either. I don't like running in the cold so the temperature was a balmy 29 degrees when I got up on race day. I had my bowl of Wheaties and a large helping of grumpies. I might have felt better but I forgot my Under Armor and was going to spend the next 2 hours or so freezing to death. We arrived at the race location about 45 minutes before it was set to start. About 15 minutes later it started to snow lightly. 15 minutes after that it was a minor blizzard! It wasn't getting any warmer either. FINALLY, nearly a half hour late, the ceremonial pig was fired into the air and the race was on! I stayed all the way in the back of the pack because running anywhere else was near impossible. The race is capped at 850 runners and many of the trails are just wide enough for single file & no passing. Terri was also running the race so I caught up to her and we pretty much hung together for the duration of the race. I enjoyed hurtling over the fallen logs (there were at least 60 such logs) and dancing over the frozen rocks while others splashed through the streams (4 times). Some hills were walked. Some were climbed on all fours. One was an out of control downhill slalom that ended in a creek. It was fun, but tiring & despite the cold (it never came close to the weather channel's prediction of 40 degrees) I was sweating like a hog after a few miles.

There were a few surprises along the route. I found a hidden easter egg on the trail that was worth a door prize (for my caching eyes!) & around the 7 mile mark there was a "Dehydration Station" which, unlike the typical water stop, provided "alternative beverages". *wink* I saved just a bit for the final kick and sprinted over the finish line with an official time of 1:59:09. Of course, with races like this one nobody really cares about their time (the evidence of this is that apparently the official clock didn't start until 5 minutes after we started - time stamps on the photos don't lie!). The after party featured a live band (Ok, a 70 something husband & wife team), lots of food & drink & about a million door prizes. I have a t-shirt & a commemorative coffee mug to show I finished.

The bottom line is that I survived and did better than I thought I would. Two days later I'm barely sore though I think the post-race massage from Heather helped a good deal. I don't know if I'll run it next year but I'll certainly remember it forever!

Florida Vacation 2008

2008-02-16T22:46:00.001-05:00

A week ago today Heather & myself left for a trip to Florida. The main reason for the trip was to visit with some of Heather's FL based relatives. A few live in Europe and would also be flying in this week. The plan was to hang out periodically through the week and then meet up for a grand party on Saturday evening. The plan worked!

We arrived after an uneventful $80 flight via JetBlue (During which I watched the NY Giants victory parade). We took a walk in downtown Orlando, grabbed some grub, played in the hotel's jacuzzi & pool & turned in kinda early (for a vacation anyway). Wednesday we met up a few cousins at Blue Springs state park. They normally have manatees a-plenty in the winter but with the near record-breaking heat, the hot-spring river didn't draw them the way it normally would and we saw only two sea cows. Well, we really only saw a nose. Every 5-10 minutes they expose a nose, take a breath and dive back under the water. Exciting! Sometimes they blow bubbles too! The highlight of the trip was meeting Margot – the most recent addition to the family. She's a very tranquil soul who only gets fussy when startled by flash photography & sudden rides in a rented minivan. From Blue Springs we drove East to New Smyrna Beach where we'd be staying at a B&B on the intracoastal waterway. We were promised pelicans & dolphins & saw both frolicking (aka fighting for food) in the waters. We took a nighttime walk on the beach, found a few local geocaches & had a very enjoyable evening.

There were only two solid dates on the calendar: The Party & The Launch. Thursday at 2:45 we planned to be somewhere near Cape Canaveral watching the Space Shuttle Atlantis take off. It was just a happy coincidence that there was a launch this week but we couldn't have planned it better. The weather was dicey early on but it cleared up and the NASA declared everything was Go for liftoff. We took our time driving down Route 1 (yeah, the same one we drive on in NJ) and marveled at the lack of traffic we were supposed to be hitting. We did hit some congestion but after driving in Joisey this Florida stuff was non-traffic. We decided to view the fireworks from Space View Park in Titusville just across the water from Cape Canaveral. You can get closer if you don't mind waiting a few hours to leave on the 2-lane bridge that serves as the only way on/off the island. As it was we did just fine. As we overcompensated for the traffic we were 2 hours early so we busied ourselves with finding local geocaches & shopping. I'm happy to report that we were able to discretely find a cache in the very park where everyone was waiting around to see the launch. Behold my stealth! The shuttle lifted off on time & without incident. It wasn't as impressive as I hoped and the high humidity dampened the sound but it's still quite a sight to see and I'm glad to have seen it.

That evening we headed a bit further South and met up with the only cousin we hadn't yet seen and her impressive family. Amy & Greg have 6 kids. They range from a few months old to 9 years. I'm still reeling from the energy of that many kids in one place! Fortunately they're all well behaved and you can use your grill all year in Florida so the "meet & meat" was a complete success. On the way home Heather couldn't resist stopping off to find a geocache named "Bovine Royalty" which advertised itself to be a magnetic key-holder stuck on a dumpster behind a Burger King. Hey, they can't all be out in nature, right? We found it easily and had a snack afterwards so it's all good.

The next day we returned to Orlando by the scenic route. VERY Scenic! We took the backwoods routes to make sure we went past some swamps so we could take an air boat ride. They zip along the swamps propelled by a huge fan in the back. We had an 90 minute tour with Airboat Bill & saw quite a number of gators. At one point our boat was surrounded by about 2 dozen! They were just babies, but it pays to remember that The Mammagator is nearby and watching VERY closely. If you ever find yourself where there be swamps I recommend a tour. Besides seeing lots of cool critters we also learned a good deal about the local Seminole tribes, their shell mounds and the local animal & plant life. While out in the boonies we discovered a roadside stand selling a local delicacy - Goober Peas AKA Boiled Peanuts! They're easy to make - just soak the peanuts for half a day then boil them in a tasty broth (salty, savory or cajun). They turn out more bean than nut but very tasty. Later, we met the folks for a nice Italian dinner. Yeah, the days were full!

By this point we were just about worn out and ended up sleeping late. We spent a few hours in the morning in one of the city's more famous parks (Lake Eola) and a lesser known one (Fern Creek). Getting to explore a part of the city where tourists don't normally go was an exciting proposition. While taking a walk to snag a geocache I spotted a guy spray-painting the side of a shoe store. He was being paid by the store to add urban chic to the area. For lunch we ate in a famous local eatery without knowing it was historic until after we got home. "Beefy King" predates all other fast food in Orlando and makes a sweet hot ham & cheese. Yum! Because the majority of the family was going to be in town this weekend Sherry organized a huge party (hosted by her beau Hutch). The shindig featured a nice place, tons of food and lots of interesting people to meet. If Heather & I didn't have to get up early for our flight we could have stayed a lot longer.

We enjoyed a complimentary buffet for breakfast and hit the airport early. Then the flight was delayed for wind & snow in Newark. A few phone calls later we learned that it wasn't snowing in Newark so this proves that even the airlines have no idea why their flights are delayed. Turns out there was a good deal of wind over New Jersey and our flight had to make an extended approach which caused lots and lots of turbulence. This created a definite need for the fancy blue bags they stash in the seat pockets. I wont elaborate but to say that there was a shortage of those bags and it was not a pretty scene. Back on the ground the weather was also pretty nasty - 30s, wind-chill in the 20s & snow flying sideways. Welcome back to Jersey! We got home at a reasonable hour and I spent a few hours unpacking, unwinding & logging cache finds. Oh, and of course looking through the pictures that we had taken. This here is a link to the full photo gallery. Enjoy!

Orignal From: Florida Vacation 2008

Philadelphia Eagles Game 2007

2007-12-09T20:37:00.001-05:00

A while back I wrote about my difficulty getting Eagles tickets & mentioned that the only way to get them is to spend. So I spent. I spent a lot. But... I got to see the one football game that I've been trying to see for many years - the Eagles vs the Dolphins.

Back in May when I bought the tickets it looked like a good match-up. The Dolphins had made great strides last year and sported one of the better defenses in the NFL. The Eagles returned most of their starters & are a perennial powerhouse. Yeah, on paper it looked great! Then the regular season started. Players dropped like files and both teams disappointed their fans. Oh well, at least they were pretty evenly matched and it would be a good game!

The weather report the day before said "Cloudy" but they decided that "Cold and raining" would be more fun for us so that's what we got. The four of us arrived via car-pool (parking is $20) at about 11 AM. We setup the grill, fought the lighter, the wind & the drizzle and eventually managed to cook up some tasty burgers & dogs. We eventually made our way into the stadium and found our seats. I managed to get section 104 - Row 3! It's a nice experience to walk down... way down... to your seat past all of the season ticket holders & people that got lucky (but not THAT lucky) the day tickets went on sale. Its even nicer to realize that you are seated right in front of the cheerleader station. Sweet!

The rain came and went throughout the afternoon. Corey had the foresight to grab all of the rain-ponchos he had - 3 - which left one of us wearing a trash bag begged from one of the Linc's Sanitation Supervisors. Necessity... mother of invention... yada yada. If Dry is the bottom line it's all good. The rain came and went throughout the game but it never rained hard enough to really mess up the game or turn the cheerleader's outfits transparent so it was basically a wash. I was even able to take the poncho off towards the end of the game.

Speaking of the game... it wasn't a great contest. McNabb got knocked out in the 2nd quarter and the rain already slowed down the offenses. The Dolphins rookie QB had a typical "First NFL Start" kinda game - it was horrible. They usually are so I'll withhold judgment on his future in the league. The only big play excitement came on a kickoff return by the other Dolphins rookie of merit Ted Ginn. His TD was the only score the 'Phins could muster. Brian Westbrook for the Eagles did most of the damage for his team and had a huge day running the ball despite the less then optimal conditions. There was plenty of near misses & action to go around and one thing can be said of a low scoring affair - it keeps the game clock moving. Before I knew it the final whistle had blown and the game was over. The final score was the Philadelphia Eagles 17, the Miami Dolphins 7.

We hung out while the crowds dispersed and watched the final game interviews being conducted by the Eagle's locker room tunnel. When the crowds died down we shuffled out of the stadium. I said goodbye to the Linc. I'll most likely never be back considering the price of admission. The other thing that bothered me was all of the empty seats. I couldn't believe that people would have the ultimate honor of just being here and still desert their seats before half time. I cursed them for not being real fans but what I was really thinking was that they just didn't pay as much as I did. I though the same thing when I heard all of the bickering and complaining ("What happened to McNabb?" "He hurt his #$%&* vagina again."). I know that for the past 75 years of Eagles football history the "fans" have measured themselves by the level of their own self-hatred but it just didn't sit right with me this time. It was as if nobody was even having a good time. Know how many "Fly Eagles Fly" chants I heard? Only one. I must have heard it a dozen times the last time I caught a game here. No, I saw more spirit from the smattering of Dolphins fans and it's sad really. So I said goodbye to the Live NFL experience. Even if I could get tickets for $90 I don't think I'd be back. Maybe after a few losing seasons the "fans" will be humbled but by then the cost of admission will be too high for me to even give a shit. The NFL is no longer an option for the average man.

After fighting to get out of the parking lot (Tip: Park RIGHT by the exit. Worked very well for us) we made our way down the road to [local eatery] where we partook of some heavenly Philly Cheese Steaks. We sat in the impromptu Dolphins section and I got to commiserate with my fellow Phins Phans. Good grub too though I think I still prefer Pats. So the day ended on an up note. We drove back to Reading with minimal difficulty. That night a blanket of snow fell across the town. Snow is pretty rare in mid November but it was somehow fitting. I had schlepped two cameras to the game and eventually had the film developed. The result of said development is seen throughout this entry. Click on any of the pictures to see the full version or click HERE to jump to the full gallery. Check back here in 3 years when the Eagles play the Dolphins again - but in Miami this time. Maybe I'll try to get tickets to that game. . .

Here's a few more random pictures. Click HERE to jump to the full gallery.

Orignal From: Philadelphia Eagles Game 2007

Why I don't trust banks...

2007-11-28T15:07:00.000-05:00

After my rant about paying off the load early the banks took interest and did the only thing they could to prevent me from paying... they lost the check I mailed to them.

This accomplishes several things:
1) They get to charge me $78 in fees.
2) They get to call and bug my wife.
3) We pay the missing month & next month up-front.
4) Profit.

So they manage to fast-talk us out of paying the extra not just this month but NEXT month as well. Bastards! Well, they messed up... they also sent me a "late" notice and now I have their damn address. Let's just see them "lose" my next check with the extra several hundred dollars. I'm sending it Certified.

Orignal From: Why I don't trust banks...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-23T11:17:00.001-05:00

This is our first Thanksgiving in our new home and we decided to spend it in said home. When faced with the delicious decision of which side of the family to visit over this holiday we decided that we'd just stay here and avoid the drive, the traffic, the headaches and... did I mention the drive? Since nobody is actually From New Jersey, everyone Leaves New Jersey on Thanksgiving. That puts us in our cars in what amounts to a mass exodus and the roads just aren't wide enough for Everyone at once.

Don't get me wrong, family is always worth the trip but if I spend 4.5 hours making a 2 hour trip they wouldn't want me there, ya know?

Anyway, so... yeah we stayed home. We cleaned up the house a little, ate a big pancake & sausage breakfast, cleaned up the house some more, had a nice lunch of leftovers from this past week and then decided to go for a hike in Cheesequake State Park. We explored the new trails, the lake and a marsh we hadn't been in before. I caught leaves and climbed horizontal trees while Heather found some lovely moss. We had a nice hike too & even borrowed time to find the Geocache that's closest to our home. I dropped my "Moving Man" geocoin into the cache. It can do the moving from now on! While signing the log a Turkey Buzzard lighted heavily on a nearby branch. Cool.

Back at home it was time for Thanksgiving Dinner! We microwaved a turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes & cranberry green-beans. We shared it while eating over the sink - just as the pilgrims did! I gave thanks for the microwave bounty that we ate. Of course, this wasn't the last of the meal... since it was such a nice day we fired up the grill for one last time and cooked hot dogs & the last of the bacon wrapped filet mignon. For desert we had chocolate.

That's my kinda Thanksgiving. I'll close with a short poem from our dear friends at Rathergood.com. Happy T-Day everyone!

It's the best day of the year.
Every body shout and cheer!
Because there no religious reason
Why we're all gathered here.
It's secular you see?
And that's alright with me.
Now say your thanks and eat a Turkey Knee!

Orignal From: Happy Thanksgiving!

This little piggy went to Old Bridge!

2007-11-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

Last night was my first attempt at co-hosting a Geocaching event. Marc (aka mblatch) was my co-hort & co-host. We set it up at Big Ed's BBQ on Rt. 34 in Old Bridge. Besides having some fantastic ribs the place is just fun. There are giant cartoon painted wood cut-outs all over the property (example at left). It has ample parking & a front section that's good for a larger group hanging out and chatting before getting down to some serious pigging out. The "piggy" theme was decided for us when I noticed that they sell Big Eds branded piggy banks that would make an excellent cache container. I bought the piggy bank, sealed the 'coin hole' with pink caulk, gorilla glued an 'airborne' tube inside the snout to hold a log book and hid it in the woods behind the restaurant with Heather a week before the event. Like the three little pigs this solo piggy made his house out of sticks. :-)

I also decided we needed swag so bought 2 dozen small pigs from the Oriental Trading Co. and started looking for pig themed geo-coins. I found a total of three. One I had to buy on eBay, one from a vendor in Germany and the third from a small store in the US. Unfortunately the US supplier only ships once a month and, of course, the coins didn't arrive in time. I did manage to have the other coins present for the event and everyone got to 'discover' the one that had its own custom icon (). I wrote the name of the event & date on the bottom of all of the plastic pigs to give the attendees something to take home or use as trade swag. Last, but certainly not least, I hid a bonus cache in the parking lot of Big Ed's - it's just a small play-doh container made to look like a lost little piggy. I tried to time the publication of the two new caches to they'd coincide with the event. Alas, I caught the cache-reviewer on a bad weekend and the caches weren't published in time. To compensate I printed out the cache listings and provided them to folks at the event. Tim (aka TheMadRussian) was the first person to run out to the parking lot to find the Lost Little Piggy. After the meal 7 people made the attempt at the same time. They were all lined up against the fence looking like a police lineup.

When all of the eating/paying of bills was accomplished someone (Ok, Marc) announced that we should all do some night-caches in the area. There were two available and, though one was archived, Marc & I had verified that it was indeed still there just the night before. So 9 of us piled into the 2 largest vehicles and drove the mile to the official parking coordinates. This particular night cache can only be done at night. There's small reflective spots tacked to various trees and you have to follow the virtual trail they provide. The tacks are 50 - 150 feet apart and very hard to see in the fog but with 9 pairs of eyes and at least that many light sources the cache was easily found. From there we humped over the hill to Heather & my Piggy Bank cache. Again, they made short work of it but everyone seemed to enjoy the cache container & the hide. I basically made a log cabin for it under the roots of a tree. Philipe (aka CondorTrax) came up with the official First-To-Find and earned the Flying Pig geocoin I bought off of eBay.

I knew of another cache that wasn't exactly on the way home but with an "accidental" missed turn we found ourselves 150 feet from a 5th find of the night. This specific cache is called Whitetail Retreat and it's on what amounts to an island in a marsh. Once one person headed into the reeds everyone quickly followed - regardless of what style of pants/shoes they were wearing. The mist wafted across the reeds. The water was cold. The mud was... odoriferous. The cache was found! Sheer numbers trump any good hide. AVGraphics took a great photo of our shoes when we got back to dry land. I'm the geek with the black shoe & his pants rolled up. The rolling didn't help and I'll probably have to "archive" the pants.

We returned to our rides on the easy to follow path that I conveniently missed the first time. Everyone seemed in high spirits and having such a good time that it was a shame the night had to come to a close. I can't say for certain that this will become a recurring event, but I'll say this... there's another night cache within a mile of Big Ed's. :-)

Here's the links:
This Little Piggy event
Lost Little Piggy
Night Vision
This Solo Piggy
Whitetail Retreat

Orignal From: This little piggy went to Old Bridge!

New Home - Pictures & Dollars

2007-11-01T16:52:00.001-04:00

First, I'm proud to say that I finally uploaded some dang pictures. Not sure why I waited so long except that I didn't have the uploader utility installed. :-) That' s my excuse and I'm sticking to it. See pictures here:

http://pix.ericles.com

Click on the appropriate album and enjoy!

Secondly, I wrote my first check towards the mortgage today. Big Check. Gunna do it for the next 23 years apparently. What? How'd I get a 23 year mortgage? I didn't! I simply rounded the amount I owed up to the next even thousand. It's 9% more than what I would have been paying but it chops 7 years and over 75 thousand dollars off of the total that I will have spent over that period. If I choose to also make an extra payment with the year end tax refund I'll most certainly be getting the loan will be shortened an ADDITIONAL 5 years and I'll be saving $116,395 over the term. The bank will absolutely hate me and that's fine. I want them to hate me and sell my loan every other month if it makes them feel better. Know what makes me feel better? One Hundred Sixteen Thousand Three Hundred & Ninety-five dollars. And Seven Cents. I'll be 50 years old before I get to laugh all the way to the bank with my final payment if this plan stands. 18 years is a long long time to live in one home but you never know. One thing I do know is that I plan on doing a good deal of damage to the principle of this loan over the next few years. There's an old tradition of displaying an eagle on a home you own. I can't wait for the day that walk out of the bank, still laughing, and stroll over to the corner Iron Eagle store. I already have a spot picked out on the house. Until that time I'll be pouring every cent I have (that's earning less than 6.8%) directly into the house and I'll have it paid off before I'm 50. You can bank on that.

Orignal From: New Home - Pictures & Dollars

Embarrased: Posting anyway

2007-10-23T15:04:00.000-04:00

It's been so long and I've been so bad at keeping up with posting here that I have no excuses. I'll just say that I'm "righting" now and I'll get "write" into it...

Having a house is a good deal of work. I was prepared for this but didn't actually budget any extra time for unforeseen things like having to rake the front yard clear of pine needles. Those blasted trees dropped 4 giant yard bags worth of needles in under a week. Heather & I made the best of it by jumping in the giant pile of needles when we were done. It looked like a haystack. We found a haystack in the needles!

The inside of the house demands attention too of course and I've been just about ignoring the as of yet still packed boxes. We have to hurry up and get everything out of the way though... we have more stuff coming in! When Heather's father moved into smaller digs we happily agreed to take some of his overflow stuff once we had the house. Well, we've got it and we're getting it - even if we don't know where we're going with it! The big ticket item is a weight machine. The plan is to put it into the basement.... where we'll never see it again. ;-)

The cats are segregated. Poor Smechy couldn't hack having the other two around and soiled the bed. Twice. We're trying the Zero Odor stuff to get the stink out. The mattress is also covered with a rubber sheet & mattress pad. No stink is getting through all of that! Anyway, the kittens have the basement and Smech has the bedrooms. The rest of the house they time-share but never meet (unless a midnight storm blows the door open like this past Saturday). It's creepy to be awoken from a deep slumber by the combined sound of gail force winds & cat growling. *shiver*

I'm still finding time to go Geocaching now and then. I'm up to 270 finds - including my first 5 star puzzle "Cloak & Dagger" which dragged me all over central Jersey finding urban micro caches, solving riddles, puzzles, ciphers & enigmas. I'm co-hosting my first event next month (This little piggy went to old bridge) & plan to launch my own puzzle soon. It's still fun!

Besides that Heather & I have been getting up twice a week for a morning jog just as the sun comes up. Routine is the best way to stay motivated and having a partner makes it even harder to skip a day. One of us will mention how it's pretty late and we should go to bed because we have to get up early for the jog (translation: can we skip tomorrow's run?) and the other will invariably reply that yes we should get some sleep because I can't wait to run in the morning! Teamwork ... works. This has also given me the opportunity to explore the neighborhood a little more. I've discovered a back way into our neighborhood & a new park which is exciting.

That's about enough for now. I'll try to be more active on this site in the coming weeks. It'll certainly be easier if it gets cold out but right now ... it's just too nice to say inside typing these words. Until next time!

Orignal From: Embarrased: Posting anyway

General Update

2007-09-25T14:06:00.001-04:00

Yeah, not much time for writing these days. I'm spending as much time as I can unpacking and reorganizing the house. I'm also spending as much time as I can avoiding unpacking and reorganizing the house! This "chronadox" leaves me with no time (apparently) to get anything finished.

Well, that's not entirely true. I did spend most of Saturday building The Grill. Sunday of course then had to be Test The Grill Day. I didn't really have a choice as you can see! Despite my procrastination efforts (and it is an effort) the house is coming along slowly. I'll post pictures one day.

The cats are still at odds though perhaps to a lesser degree. With the cooler weather we've torn open the shutters and thrown up the sashes and the cats (all of which were outside cats at one point) can't get anough of sitting on a window sill and starting at ... whatever it is that cats stare at when they look at nothing. One day they'll get to go and explore the great outdoors but we're not quite to that point yet. They haven't even explored the entire INSIDE of the house!

The biggest news of the week is Heather's new job. I wont spoil her fun of telling everyone so you'll have to call her and ask if you want more information ASAP.

That's about it for The News from Treasure Lake. Running? Geocaching? Football? Not enough time for everything. Not even for blogging! Until next time... gotta go!

Orignal From: General Update

Homeowner!

2007-09-12T17:17:00.001-04:00

It's done! I've been offline packing/cleaning/painting/packing/cleaning & consoling scared kitties for nearly two weeks so I apologize for the tardiness of this post but it was necessary believe-you-me. Here's the summary:

Because we've had so many close calls with closings we really didn't start packing until we finally closed. That happened on Tuesday September 4th. The sellers, the buyers & their respective attorneys & realtors all gathered around a big able and signed papers at each other. All told I siggied 39 times and just like that (over an hour) I became a homeowner!

And then came the insane packing blitz. We had only 3 and a half days to completely paint 5 ceilings & 4 rooms (after spackling over and sand any holes/cracks), clean 6 dozen cabinets/drawers/closet shelves, wipe down every flat surface, vacuum the non-flat surfaces (including the interior walls), and steam-clean 3 carpets. Whew! Oh, and then there's a 7 room apartment to pack, 3 more rugs to clean, a several dozen chunks of hardware to remove from the walls (and then spackle over), a porch full of garden & a trio of cats that need consoling. Yeah, we didn't have enough time.

The actual moving day went fairly smooth like. The movers showed up, loaded stuff, left unpacked stuff, drove truck, unloaded stuff & broke very little. The unpacking is going slowly but we're taking it one room at a time and spending most of this week just getting the apartment broom-swept clean so we can get our security deposit returned in one piece. After all the work we put into the apartment if they try to keep one red cent of that deposit so help me I'll knock the fridge off-level, rip the lighting fixture out of the bathroom, break down the shelf in the kitchen, tear out the insulation from the attic, insert a ton of staples into the floor, a handful of nails into the porch & a bunch of pubic hairs into the paint. That way we'd be leaving the place JUST AS WE FOUND IT. That'd show'm.

Ok, that's enough typing for now. I'm writing this at work because our internet hasn't been turned on yet. I'll write more when I can!

Orignal From: Homeowner!

On Melvin's Mud & Sticky Chiggers

2007-08-21T15:08:00.000-04:00

On Sunday August 12th I competed against the mightiest Geocache of Middlesex County: Melvin's Multiple Madness. It breaks down to a 7 stage multi-part through the title marsh of Cheesequake State Park. One branch of the Cheesequake Creek - Melvin's Creek - is the focus & locus of the hunt. You can't park within a mile of the first stage so your first challenge is just getting there. The best looking route by satellite images takes you through a NJ Superfund Site. Once you make it to the actual marsh you have to cross the Melvin twice and the mud/silt is deep & unusually viscous. What sinks into Melvin's Mud stays in Melvin's Mud. I sank up to mid thigh on the first crossing and even deeper on the return trip. I was fortunately strong enough to pull my legs out but, alas, I was stronger than my boots. The mud ripped them in half. Litterally. It took the sole right off of the leather upper and wouldn't give it back. Henceforth I shall call it:

Melvin's Creek - the eater of Soles.

Walking across a reeded tidal marsh full of mollusk shells and Superfund runoff in stocking feet was an adventure to be certain. You can read the full account of my adventure (and see the photos) by clicking here.

While not slogging through the marshes I've been busy hiding the Speedway Cache. It's not published yet as this writing because I've been slowed down by work, rain & CHIGGERS! Otherwise known as the Harvest Mite, Chiggers are small (I mean small, dude!) mite/spider/ticks that cluster at the tops of tall grass or low branches and hop on as you go past. Its not uncommon to have dozens and dozens fall upon you at once. If they make contact with skin, like a tick, they'll seek out a safe place to eat. Then, like Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly", they squirt digestive enzyme and slurp up the liquefied you. Obviously the body doesn't take kindly to this kind of treatment and responds with itchy painful red welts. Anyway, Nicol park, like most of New Jersey, is susceptible to chigger breeding and on my last visit I must have walked through a few hives because my right leg was covered with'm.

Not just a few dozen though.

There were HUNDREDS!

And they were HUNGRY!

And they don't brush off!

And they don't squish!

And they were making their way up and down my pant leg looking for MEAT!

And I, having popped out for some lunch time woods walking/coordinate verifying, was wearing my work clothing that I couldn't shed without losing my job (and possibly freedom). What was I to do? First things first: Get the pants off! Done. Hide pants in trunk! Done. Get back in car before traffic on Rt. 34 notices me! Done. Drive back home, bathe in DEET-ful "Deep Woods" Off, Shower off anything I just killed, put on new clothing and drive back to work 30 minutes over my lunch break. Final step: work late to make up time. Oh, and itch all day for the thought of hundreds of mighty mites drinking my skin. One chigger is a nasty thought but two gross? Too gross.

Four days later the pants & shirts I was wearing that day are out on my back porch. I'm waiting for their short lifespan to pass before I go back out there. In the mean time I'll scratch at my dozen or so potential chigger chomps and be glad that I noticed them before I got back in the car. *shudder* Mental note: Duct Tape or Lint Roller = essential late summer/early autumn caching gear!

Dang, now I itch again. Scratch these:
Melvin's Multiple Madness
The Harvest Mite (Chigger)
Two Gross

Orignal From: On Melvin's Mud & Sticky Chiggers

Zip Code Madness!

2007-08-09T23:18:00.001-04:00

Everything is progressing well on the purchase of the new house. Nothing really to complain about except I don't know where it is we'll be moving in a few weeks!

It all started when the insurance folks asked me which county can claim ownership of the land. I blinked... loudly... and proclaimed that I really had no idea! Its on the border you see and my map didn't have enough detail. I've since looked it up and it's indeed Monmouth but the fun doesn't stop there, oh no! You see there's also the zip code to throw monkey wrenches all around haphazardly. I've been hit in the works with a Monk-Wren and it smarts!

Here's the thing: Our zip code is officially 07735. The tax tables say that 07735 contains Cliffwood Beach [Monmouth] (Us), Cliffwood Beach [Middlesex], Union Beach & Keyport. I can rule out the Middlesex & Union Beach addresses, but the trouble is the address written on The Deed says Keyport while maps obviously point to Cliffwood Beach. Which is it?

This is no arbitrary decision. Hundreds of dollars in property taxes (which we've learned are paid to Aberdeen by the way) and preferential treatment by the insurance companies is at stake! I've decided that I'm going to say Cliffwood Beach when folks ask where I'm homing up. If they give me the "Oh my god I've lived in NJ for [n] years and I have no idea where that is but I don't want Eric to know that!" look I'll say it's in Keyport. If the look continues I'll just add "Exit 117" and they'll smile and nod approvingly because everyone knows that's exactly [n] miles from their Parkway exit.

Uh.

What was I writing about again? I don't remember. I'm going to bed. While there I'll dream of my new house in Keypwood Beach, Monmoddlesex County.

Orignal From: Zip Code Madness!

w00t! Free money from Google!

2007-08-08T11:18:00.001-04:00

There actually is a grain of truth to those Google related spam traps. Big G just sent me a check for a little over $100. This is the amount that I've earned in the past 14 months since I signed up for Adsense - Google's text based ads appear on a few of my pages and if anyone clicks them I get paid!

I hooked up with the free service StatCounter a bunch of years ago. They let me know which of my pages are the most popular as well as a slew of other stats regarding who's visited, how many times, etc. What I learned was that 95% of my hits were to pages inside my Ego-Surfing cache. Once upon a time I used to collect references to myself that popped up on the net. It's called "ego-surfing". I created a page of all the funniest/most impressive links that reference someone named "Eric Dalton". Years later I went back and noticed that many of the links had gone down and were gone forever so when I redid the page I saved the pages & put them in my Ego Link Cache.

As years went by the original pages vanished and MY version of the page became the only reference on the internet to a sometimes quite obscure topic (Sonoluminescence for example). At one point if you searched Yahoo for "gospel stage plays" I was the #1 link! Someone sharing my name had posted a message in a forum regarding "Madea's Family Reunion" and other gospel stage plays by Tyler Perry. When the original forum went down my page became a top source of information on the topic. Cool! I never thought of using the cache that way, but I'm happy to provide a service, albeit a tiny one, to the www at large. The nice part is that if I put an ad on that page with links to related information the searchers have even more options. Even better - I get a few cents for every link clicked.

Over the months I included ads on 7 pages. The Tyler Perry information is my top draw and biggest earner but the quickest way to earn me a buck is to download one of Google's software offerings from my referrals page. Thanks for reading, and thanks Adsense for giving something back to the little guy!

Links:
Google's Adsense Program
Eric's Referral Page

Orignal From: w00t! Free money from Google!

On houses, runs & general silliness.

2007-08-01T12:42:00.001-04:00

Our neighbor moved out yesterday. By complete coincidence our doorknob broke at the same time. We thought they changed the wrong locks. Just a coincidence. They fixed the lock/doorknob. Huh.

With our closing date of Aug 30th we'll probably end up paying rent all the way through September. Drats. If the apartment masters are able to clean/repaint/rekey the place by the 15th however we could save six hundred plus dollars. The extra is what I expected to be paying movers to make it easier on myself, but now I'll be toting my own bale. The upshot of all of this is that we'll have lots of overlap where we can go between the two domiciles and pack/move/clean to our hearts content (or two weeks goes by, whichever comes first).

Want some good news? The mortgage has been approved and locked in at a rate of 6.125. Back to the magic number from earlier in the year! We were able to swing this lower rate because I qualify as a "moderate income" shlub. Fine by me. Any special program that saves me money is worth it. Label me a waddleflap for all I care, just as long as my bottom line is happier.

The next step is to get do the title search (another expensive proposition that really only takes some clerk 10 minutes + a phone call) and get the house insured. I'll be going through NJ Manufacturers who currently insures our cars. I might even get a break on the car insurance. Once these two things are done we only have to wait until the 30th and the closing. I'm still waiting for a shoe to fall on me, but so far all is looking good!

Speaking of shoes... this past weekend I donned my running shoes & imported my Mother from North Carolina to run in the Ocean Grove Biathlon. I do it pretty much every year and had been training for about two weeks to make sure I didn't embarrass myself. Well, the end result... I finished last. Or first. Depends on how you look at it. You see, the race was the 21st not the 28th as reported by this website:

http://www.njlaws.com/calendar_of_community_events.htm

Why I chose to look at that site instead of all of the others that told me the race was on the 21st is beyond me. I guess it wasn't meant to be and that I'm supposed to run the Neptune City 5K this Saturday instead?

Maybe I will... maybe I will...

Orignal From: On houses, runs & general silliness.

Simpsons Movie! I'm on the internet within minutes....

2007-07-27T23:11:00.001-04:00

Movie Review:
The Simpsons Movie - 2007 - 20th Century Fox

Plot:
Homer's tom-foolery has grave repercussions for the entire town of Springfield. Can he win back the trust of his family, his friends & his town? No spoilers here. You've seen the trailers so you know the basics anyway. D'ome!
Characters:
They plugged a cast-of-thousands and might have hit the mark. Every single character from the show's 18 years supposedly makes an appearance and I can't say I had the eyes fast enough to notice them all (especially in the large mob scenes) but all of the more common characters (Even Maggy) at least had a single line. They even dragged in some of the reoccurring guest stars like Joe Mantagna for two lines for Fat Tony. No Sideshow Bob however.
What's Different:
This isn't the 22 minute show. They have the luxury of slowing down the pacing, putting in more scenes without dialog & allowing timing jokes to work correctly. The animation itself is the new fangled enhanced 3d-ized stuff with highly detailed backgrounds & special effects that you wouldn't ever see on a Sunday. They didn't resort to old gags either. You wont hear Bart say "Eat my shorts!" or see Maggie fall down. You will see plot essentials like Homer choking Bart & Marge hiding stuff in her hair, but hey, you can't reinvent the show just to make a movie, right? You also get to see them take "Itchy & Scratchy" to the next level, Homer flashing "The Bird" & a bit more about how Otto spends his downtime. Can't do that in syndication!
Things to watch for:
I'll have to see it again (and probably again) but there weren't as many site-gags as I expected. A lot of what I would write about here would be "note which character's torch goes out in the lynch mob scene" but I didn't see a lot of stuff like that. I would have died laughing if it was Gil's torch that fizzles but alas, I wasn't hired to write the movie. I'll give you this though: Watch for the ambulance from Season 2's Bart the Daredevil (Aka Springfield Gorge Aka episode 7F06). In the episode Homer ends up trying to jump Springfield Gorge on Bart's skateboard. He doesn't make it and tumbles horribly down the rocks into the gorge. He's lifted out on a gurney and loaded into an ambulance. The ambulance IMMEDIATELY crashes into a tree and Homer rolls out, still strapped into the gurney and proceeds to tumble back down the gorge. Hilarity then and a fantastic call-back now. Oh, and stay tuned all through the credits. ;-)

Final Words:
I enjoy going to cult-following movies the first day because all of the other freaks are there with me. People applauded at the end and a guy was actually dancing in the isle during the credits. You might be too late to get the same kinda crowd that I enjoyed but the bottom line is this: Not everyone there was a die-hard Simpsons fan and they laughed, cried & enjoyed the ride. They left as happy as the fan-boys and that's the hardest thing to pull off. The Simpsons Movie entertained the masses while somehow not letting the hardcore fans down. Thumbs up!

Heh. I saw his doodle.

Orignal From: Simpsons Movie! I'm on the internet within minutes....

Moving Right Along...

2007-07-26T14:25:00.001-04:00

Wow! What a difference having a motivated seller makes when trying to buy a house! We're out of Attorney Review, have the inspection planned for later this afternoon & a mortgage company picked out. My goodness, this could actually happen this time!

Unless the inspection reveals gremlins in the appliances & a troll in the basement anyway.

So I'm glad we're finally progressing but I'm pissed that I missed the boat on good interest rates. The first time we had pre-approval for a loan our rate was 6.125%. The best we could do now is 6.5%. If you don't care to do the math I'll do it for you: 0.375% amounts to $54/month or $19,370 over the term of the loan. I choose to look at it this way: lawyers and bankers have already cost us over $20,000 and we haven't even closed yet. Thanks!

Here's the thing: I won't forget this. The plan right now is to leave the state (and the law specifying that lawyers are mandatory) for the next house purchase and go somewhere cheaper. I don't intend on taking a loan for that next house. If things work out Banks will never see another dime from me. I'm not just bitter because of the whole "buying a house" fiasco either. Many years ago First Union dropped a fee on me for not holding a minimum balance. They took my remaining few bucks, bounced a few of my checks and then didn't tell me for a week during which time I bounced another check. It cost me around $60. Why did I let it drop below the "minimum balance" you ask? Because in the agreement I signed with the bank that was purchased by FU there was no minimum. They simply usurped my bank, changed the rules and reaped the benefits of fees on all of the "legacy" accounts. Thanks!

I pointedly chose the word Usurp above. I look at banks as the new monarchy. Did prior monarchs rule because they were regal & just? Of bloody course not! They ruled because they had all of the money! In the end they could afford to pay the military to keep people in line and for really thick/tall walls when they stepped over that line. The only difference is the banks can't tax us directly. Or can they?

When it comes time to close the deal on the new house I need to hand over the down payment. The banks refuse to take cash or a personal check. I can only hand over a Certified Check or make a Wire Transfer.

The Bank charges me $12 & $15 dollars for each respectively. I smell taxation. Where's my representation?

Orignal From: Moving Right Along...

Mighty Ericles Cache Spree of Summer 2007!

2007-07-22T23:31:00.001-04:00

On June 23rd I hit a cache in the parking lot of a Cabelas in Pennsylvania. The next day I hit one in Reading, PA on my way out of town. The day after that I snagged a tricky puzzle cache after work that I had finally solved earlier in the day. I had a mini-streak going but didn't think much of it. I relaxed and allowed it to lapse the next day. Well, I planned to.

Out of the blue WWWW planted one near my place of employment and I ran out to try for FTF. I ended up 2nd, but the streak continued. Several times I quit but then I would just happen to take the scenic route home from work and oops! I did it again! FTFs are what really preserved the streak though... I've nabbed 5 in the past 4 weeks. Considering I only had 3 in the previous 5 months I think that's one seriously lucky streak!

Lucky? Maybe. It's hard not be superstitious in caching but I felt as though the streak was somehow charmed. I found everything I looked for without much trouble. Granted, I didn't really go after the 5 star caches, but I picked off a few harder ones without trouble. I even found an unlisted benchmark! All of that changed when I got greedy with the 1st-to-find honors and picked up 2 in one day. After that my luck turned and half of the caches I looked for were simply not there. I managed to continue the streak for 2 more days but another trip to Reading this past weekend and a DNF up on a Neversink Mt. sunk the streak. I planted a new cache while I was there so I didn't think it was a complete loss until I got home, logged my DNF and realized that there was another cache only 350 feet from where I hid mine! It's currently "temporarily disabled" for maintenance which is why it didn't show up on my listing but I can't activate mine while that one is there. D'oh! I even dropped a coin in there as a FTF prize and now it's stuck until the other cache either goes belly up or I make the pilgrimage to get the cache back. Double D'oh!

So, am I cursed? Nah. I'll just let a few others grab the First honors for a while and go back to enjoying destination caches for a while. In the end my streak stats look like this: 28 days, 44 physical finds (5 FTF) & 2 events.

Not bad for something I basically started by accident. This will be my last attempt at a streak until I move to a completely new area. I pretty much wiped out my neck of the woods. :-)

My brain hurts!

2007-07-20T16:27:00.001-04:00

This week marked the official return of the Eyegraine. For years I talked to doctors & headache people and even an optometrist and nobody had any idea what was wrong with me. Finally, in the past 5 years or so I've started seeing information on what I now know is the Cluster Headache.

In the same family as the Migraine headache, Cluster Headaches differ in that they are usually isolated to a specific area - usually behind the left temple or eye and show up for months at a time sometimes several times a day and then stop for months. For me at least the individual headaches last from 15 minutes to an hour. I get the sensitivity to light & smells and all that lovely pain. Although they can just come on whenever they wish they can be triggered by stress, low-oxygen trance-like computer programming & pheromones (like the perfume counter at the Boscovs). I'm currently in a cluster cycle and getting a headache once or twice a day unless I'm able to abort it before it goes full blown. Actually aborting a pending C.H. is tough. By the time I feel it coming on (they have an "aura" much like a migraine) it's too late to pop pain pills that might take a half hour to kick in. Caffeine helps but suffers the same time delay problem as pills and has the side effect of messing with my sleeping which can actually cause a cluster cycle to begin. No, for me there's only one way to get rid of a C.H. - Adrenaline!

I wish (oh how I wish) I had learned the secret sooner, but the best way for me to kick a headaches ass is to kick my own ass. Grab the running shoes and sprint out the door or drop and knock out 50 push-ups or spend a few minutes fighting the heavy bag. Jump rope, squat thrusts, sex, it all works and it's all good! Some research suggests that result is due to the increase in oxygen in the blood, but as I've personally seen an elevated heart rate & tried deep breathing techniques without relief, adrenaline is the only way to go! Its not always convenient to have sex or do squat thrusts while at the office though but I've found my ways around the problem. I used to walk up/down 16 flights of stairs while I was working at Spiewak. I've pulled off the highway and ran laps around the parking lot. I've dropped to do push-ups in the mall. I'll do whatever it takes because an Eyegraine in full bloom is heinous!

So if you see me absentmindedly rubbing the back of my neck or left temple, it's Cluster Time and you should immediately scream "What's your major malfunction soldier Oh, does your head hurt? DROP AND GIVE ME 40!"

Headaches. They're all in your head anyway.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluster_headache
http://www.clusterheadaches.com
http://www.ouch-us.org

Orignal From: My brain hurts!

Minor cosmetic changes

2007-07-18T23:31:00.000-04:00

You probably wont notice, but I changed the site in a primarily cosmetic fashion. The headers are more along the lines of my color scheme & each posting has category icons now. It's all done through the style sheets & custom code to do the icon things. No plug-ins for me, man! Custom code all the way! I'll eventually make better icons but for now I'll do with what I have. Enjoy! Or don't! Whatever!

Orignal From: Minor cosmetic changes

New House - New House

2007-07-16T20:49:00.001-04:00

It's a new new house although it's only new to us. You see we got tired of being dicked around by the previous sellers' attorney and bank (Adios Banco Popular!), ixnayed the deal, made a bid on a new dream home and as of this very evening have a signed contract. We're back in attorney review - but this time with real people who want to move out. We even have a closing date. The house is in Keyport, NJ right off of Treasure ("Yarrr! X marks the spot!") Lake and a 2 minute walk from the bay.

Sorry, no pictures this time. I'm not going to jinx it. I will send you a linksie or three though!
Google Maps Sat View
Zillow's House Page w/Birds Eye View
City Data for Keyport, NJ

I'll provide more info as things get settled!

Orignal From: New House - New House

Happy Independents Day!

2007-07-05T16:34:00.001-04:00

Independence is a grand thing but too many folks around the Fourth of July mindlessly celebrate by drinking, blowing things up and watching Will Smith movies without remembering from what they happen to be independent. No, I don't mean The Redcoats. The British are not coming back and it's time to lay down those arms. No I mean a generality of being without dependence as an individual. I mean more along the lines of the definition from the Oxford English Dictionary:

independent

• adjective 1 free from outside control or influence. 2 (of a country) self governing. 3 not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence. 4 not connected with another; separate. 5 (of broadcasting, a school, etc.) not supported by public funds.

On the Fourth of July 2007 I celebrated my own personal lack of outside controlling influence by not buying a Dunkin' Coolata, watching TV or going to see the Transformers Movie. I proved myself self-governing by deciding to sleep in and not take a shower until mid afternoon. I depend not upon another for livelihood! (I made my own ball-park franks & "peace, pasta & parmesan" mac & cheese) I may be connected to my wife, but we did our own thing almost all day. We even have our own separate cats. Oh, and though I did enjoy the benefits of some public fun I do not enjoy the benefits of any public funds.

I think for myself, feel my own emotions & do not buy into propaganda. I pay my taxes, vote my conscience & hate how all the fireworks I heard yesterday were made in China. I'm proud that an American is once again the hot-dog-eating-champ but sad that comic book writers killed Captain America and the final Sopranos episode was filled with thinly veiled political rhetoric.

It seems lots of folks have lost their pride in America. Maybe I just have too much faith or maybe I can't let go of the dream because my name is right there in the middle of the word America for goodness sake. Whatever the reason I hold out hope that more Independents will emerge. They'll turn off The News, crack a book and think for themselves. They'll see the big picture. They'll run for office. They'll win. Congress will be filled with Independent Thinkers and a new square peg who just doesn't fit into the old system will toil in the oval office every four years.

But that's a ways away... first things first! Before you can take pride in your country, start by taking pride in your back yard, your children & most importantly: yourself. See yourself independently of how others tell you how you are supposed to look. Work independently of the limitations others have prescribed for you. Think independently of the groupthink others have thought for you. Be your own person for God's sake! Or, failing that, be your own God for man's sake. Have pride in yourself and everything else starts to fall in line like so many ducks in a row at a Cheney family reunion. Start now and by this holiday next year you too can celebrate Independent's day and nobody will ever be able to take that away from you.

Orignal From: Happy Independents Day!

Health & Fitness: Mid Year Update

2007-06-29T17:10:00.001-04:00

We're half way through the year and my Resolution was to do 10,000 pushups this year. I resolved to run a 10K & do 10K pushups. Yeah, I know but crazier things have been promised on party nights, believe-you-me. Fortunately most folks forget these promises.

Anyway, I use my running log to keep track of the pushups and I'm on target for my goal. As of this writing I have pushed 5230 ups and run 85 miles including my first ever 10K. The race was all trails & all hills. I finished and ran every step. I even managed to do 35 pushups that day.

I started doing my pushups in sets of 15 and increased the amount by 5 every month. Since it is June I'm supposed to be doing 40 at a clip but I usually do 2 sets of 20 or just some other number that works for me at the time. I've done as many as 45 at a time but I think I've plateaued as they haven't been getting any easier for several weeks now.

If you could only do one "muscle" exercise, pushups should be that exercise. They hit your triceps, pectorals, deltoids and most of your trunk for support. Do them fast to get the heart rate up or do them slow to feel the burn! My Dad always did pushups and credits them for retaining good upper body strength well into his 50s. That's all well and good, but I need a challenge. A few years ago I researched the training to become a NJ State Trooper and noted that a requirement was to do 45 pushups in 2 minutes. Well, I didn't intend to become a cop, but I made sure I could do the required pushups. They've since changed the test to a point based system rather than a flat number. Oh well. I'll just have to make sure I can do all of the 'maximum point' exercises on their new list!

Know what the hardest thing about the pushup challenge has been so far? That month where the vacuum cleaner was busted and I ran out of clean patches of carpet. Yech!

Linky: NJ State Police Physical Qualification Test

Orignal From: Health & Fitness: Mid Year Update

Showered with photos!

2007-06-27T23:23:00.000-04:00

My cousin David & his wife Asami are expecting the first Great Grandchild in my family and the Baby Shower was this weekend. It was my first "shower" and the new thing is that everyone attends, including the guys. I didn't mind so much because the shower sort of doubled as the wedding reception they hadn't been able to have at the time.

Quick summary: Lots of folks from all sides of the families. Good eats. A cake made out of diapers. A real cake with little "booties" on it. A gifting ceremony with many a "Awwwww!" from the audience. Tons of photos.

I'll spare you the bandwidth by not posting the shots here, instead I'll upload them to the photo gallery.

Click here to see my shots of the shower.

Congrats to David & Asami on becoming parents!
Congrats to Tiff on becoming an Aunt!
Congrats to Dave & Bev on becoming grand parents!
Congrats to Nana on becoming a Great grand parent!

Orignal From: Showered with photos!

Hillary Clinton & the Sunny Palace

2007-06-19T23:13:00.000-04:00

Apparently I'm the only only blogger writing about Mrs. Clinton's visit in the Garden State last night. Here's the story:

I'm out on a date with my wife at the eatery of her choice: Sunny Palace featuring fine Chinese cuisine. We pulled into the parking lot which was just packed and were surprised to find the one section vacant except for a police cruiser which was just pulling out, one limousine and one black SUV. None of this seemed too odd but I wondered if there was a private party and I wasn't allowed to park here. Sure enough, while I was futzing with the radio I heard a wrapping on my window, rolled it down and was greeted with a secret service badge. The conversation went like this:

Man with badge: "Could you stay in your car for a moment sir."
Me: "Sure. What's going on?"
Man with badge: "Hillary Clinton is in the building."
Me: "No kidding."
Man with badge: "Just stay in your car until we leave the lot."

So we did. While waiting I took the opportunity to notice the extra pair of American flags that had been draped here and there. After about a minute they pulled away. We went inside and found a festive atmosphere of post-rally enthusiasm. Mrs. Clinton had been garnering support (for or from) Asian Americans and there were bumper stickers and buttons all over. A bus load of supporters had been carted in from DC & professional musicians from... violin world? It must have been a real gala event. Hopefully Hillary has finally make up for prior mistakes. Not that I blame her. It seems the Asian American community might be getting oversensitive.

Once the hubbub died down we found a table and enjoyed a good meal. Heather ran into a student of hers having a birthday party and learned that we missed an opportunity for photos with the former first lady. Oh well. I would have had way too much fun with that photo anyway. My dad would have had a coronary. ;-)

But it was good to see Capital Hillary again. Well, the back of her getting into a limo anyway. I had seen her speak once before while I was in high school and she was plugging for her hubby while he was still in the primaries in 1992. That's nearly half my lifetime ago already. I feel old! Good thing I chose to open my fortune cookie last night...

"You will have a long and healthy life."

Orignal From: Hillary Clinton & the Sunny Palace

Eagles Tickets Ain't Happening

2007-06-14T15:30:00.000-04:00

My teams are the Eagles & Dolphins. Yeah, I know you can't have two, but I can. I'm special that way! Bliss would be going to a game and watching both teams at once. The trouble is they're in different leagues and they only play each other every 4 years. To make it more complicated, they alternate home teams. That means they only play in Philly every 8 years. They WOULD have played a game 5 years ago, but there was a shuffling of divisions in 2002 and the Dolphins getting two home games in a row. They played in 2003 in Miami. This year they play in Philadelphia!

Tickets went on sale at 10 AM today for all of the Philadelphia Eagles home games and I was ready with Internet & Phone. I had juiced up on caffeine and laid out my credit cards in front of me. I was READY. A few minutes before 10 I started dialing the phones (plural) and hitting Refresh on my stripped-down-for-speed Internet Explorer (in 3 windows). The phone continually told me that all circuits were busy. The Internet told me tickets were not yet on sale. The phone continued to tell me all circuits were busy. Suddenly the Internet told me tickets were available! I told it to give me 4 "best available" seats and clicked the Next button. They told me that to prevent fraud I should tell them what is displayed in the graphic shown above.

The graphic couldn't be displayed in my stripped down corporate IE session.

I failed.

All circuits were still busy on the phones but I had Firefox ready to go with a quick refresh. I tried only 2 tickets, filled in the Captcha "KISSING" & waited. A screen popped up telling me I had a 5 minute wait. Then it went to 7 minutes. Then 15.

It took about 6 minutes until the site came back like this:

Your request Is not available

There were no tickets available that matched your request

There are several things you can try:

Change the quantity of tickets you are requesting.

If you selected a specific seat section, try switching to “Best Available”.

If you are unable to find tickets, be sure to check back often. As the date of the event nears, often times a limited number of tickets may be released.

If you entered a promotional code, check that the code is valid for the ticket price and criteria you selected.

Return to Event Page

So once again I have failed to get tickets. This does not mean I will fail to see the game. It just means that it will cost me 3 or 4 times as much. Good thing Pennsylvania has that law that limits what a scalper can charge for the ticket! Good thing scalpers can charge a $200 "convenience charge" to get around that!

Hmmm. That's a pretty clever idea. I wonder where the scalpers got that idea? (Hint: Ticketmaster).

So out I go to look at the low-life scum suckers who are already selling tickets. They'll sell me end zone seats for 400% what they paid AND they'll charge a $50 "service charge" on top of that. Nice, huh?

Long story short, I'll have my tickets to this game one way or the other and then I'll never see another professional sporting event in Philadelphia. Tickets are out of reach for the common man. I only hope that Adobe gets kickbacks from Ticketmaster because not loading the flash player probably cost me $1000 today.

Eagles Tickets sell out in six minutes

Orignal From: Eagles Tickets Ain't Happening

NJ Tour Update

2007-06-11T00:41:00.000-04:00

Since I last posted my Geocaching update I've nearly finished the tour of 21 counties.

5/27/2007 - Essex has fallen! (South Mountain Reservation)
5/29/2007 - Union is no more thanks to the Wachung Reservation.
6/03/2007 - Passaic has been conquered. (High Mountain)
6/10/2007 - Cumberland has been assimilated. (Union Lake)
6/10/2007 - Gloucester has fallen into The Blue Hole.

This week I'll be finishing off Ocean County and visiting the house we're trying to buy in Jackson all in one fell swoop.

Here's the official link to my Tour De Cache log page so you can follow along with all the exciting action!

After this I'm going to to for all 50 states, then every country, then every continent! Ok, maybe not. What I'll probably do is take a long vacation... one that doesn't have me driving all over the state in holiday/weekend traffic. :-)

Ocean Country here I Come!

Orignal From: NJ Tour Update

You can bank on it. . .

2007-06-09T10:22:00.000-04:00

Can we buy a house? Maybe. We set yesterday, June 8th as the day for the seller's bank to provide feedback regarding the short sale (yes, no, or stage of process). The bank showed some progress in making up their minds, but no decision has been made yet. The seller's attorney had all kinds of problems zeroing in on the correct person to talk to at the bank but with that mission accomplished things started moving a little. An appraisal has been ordered and all the bank needs now is a gob of paperwork and documents from the seller. This could be a problem if the necessary documents are/were in the house and therefore scattered to the seven winds. The bank was requiring work history, pay stubs, tax records, etc. Considering the house was in foreclosure... well, draw your own conclusions on that status of financial records. I'm hoping a lack of paperwork stands on it's own as proof that the bank should sell to us. Of course, lack of paperwork might just look like incomplete paperwork and more delays. *sigh* As of this time we agreed to a two week extension. I'll post more as I learn more.

Orignal From: You can bank on it. . .

My name is mud mask

2007-06-05T23:25:00.000-04:00

My wife just attacked me with a mud mask. Here I sat ready to type out a blog about human nature and mountains when she slides up and starts smearing "warming" mud on my cheek. Then my chin. Next thing I know it's EVERYWHERE and she says it's detoxifying and I say it's smelly.

What have I become.

I just had a look at myself in the mirror and I feel a little better. It just looks like I'm smeared over with vasoline. Not that being covered in vasoline makes me feel more masculine, but at least I don't look like I'm supposed to be in a spa commercial. Yaurgh. I'd rather have coins on my eyes than cucumbers.

Ok, so anyway... as I've been Geocaching all over the state the past few weeks a pattern emerged that I had been noticing subconsciously my entire life....

Every time I crested a hill and found a nice high place with a view... I also found a fire ring. At first I wondered about the paleolithic remnant of our brains that insists that mountains need fire. Then I realized that even Mountain Men like to enjoy the view now and again, but male bonding isn't possible without Beer or Fire or - better yet - Beer AND Fire. Then I reflected on the Mountain Boys who had been up here recently and had the same problem but instead of two guys toting a faggot of firewood up the hill, these two boys carried spray paint and wrote "faggot" on the rocks. I can only assume this was in brash defiance of the feeling that "if my friend's hand brushes mine one more time I'm going to grab it and if he doesn't pull away I'll squeeze his hand tight in mine for the rest of my life"...

My mind tends to wonder while I wander.

Of course the truth of the fire-rings has nothing to do with human nature.

That is where the space ships land. Obviously.

Orignal From: My name is mud mask

Almost The End of an Era

2007-06-01T15:05:00.000-04:00

If you don't touch your website on Geocities for a few ages they disable the account. I hadn't touched My Original Website since the late 90s and it (finally) went disabled! Fortunately I somehow managed to remember my username and password and re-activated the site.

I realize now that I was really bummed about the site going down. At the time I was quite proud of my creation. I self-taught myself HTML before there were guides online or books in the stores. I created all of my own graphics from scratch pixel by pixel. More importantly, it was Mine. The worst part is that I realized I don't have the site archived anywhere, Google doesn't have it Cached any more and even the Wayback Machine doesn't have a working copy. I thought it had really vanished for good this time.

Well, web historians needn't worry because this scare has set me right. I'll be archiving the site on the Ego Surfing page and my personal hard drive ASAP so that future generations shan't be deprived of the worst website in the history of the World Wide Web!

Orignal From: Almost The End of an Era

Survived another... can I say Christmas on the internet?

2006-12-31T10:34:00.000-05:00

It's funny how everyone was just dancing around saying "Merry Christmas" this year. I signed many of my year-end-greeting-cards "Have a very merry" before I realized it had become a hip saying this year. That personally offended me as the kinda person who really hates trendy sayings. Next year I'm writing Merry Christmas. As if anyone would REALLY be offended, Jew, Hindu, Agnostic or Cthulhu Dude by your wishing them a happy 359th day of the year, no matter what it's called. Here's what I say: Call it Federal December Holiday! You see, "Christmas" is defined by our government as the 25th day of December and labeled an official national holiday meaning there is no mail & all government offices happen to be closed. It's the only one we get in December & they tried pretty hard to give us one day off per month back when they started handing out holidays. So it's a technical term to say "Happy Federal December Holiday!" Just like "Obese" is just a technical way to say Fatty and NOBODY gets upset by that word. Think old Kris Kringle, ole Donder Thighs himself would take umbrage? Nuh-uh! So I waggle my mouse as I type out a blight wishing a Joyous FeDecHol to y'all & to all a good night!

What time is it?

2006-10-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

So I woke up this morning having set (most of) the clocks back an hour for the switch back to Daylight Standard Time (IE, the time the rest of the world has been using since the first person noticed that the sun comes and goes on a kind of a pattern). The first thing I noticed was that the two alarm clocks in the bedroom (His/Hers) read 7:10 & 6:10 respectively. These two clocks claim to be Atomic Clock Radio Signal Receiving Clocks that never need setting as they glean the magic of time from radio signals and set themselves. That's great except (as we learned last year) hers, when resetting to DST also resets the timezone to the default central time zone, so it was actually 7:10 not 6:10 and she was an hour late. To complicate matters, Verizon Wireless in it's infinite wisdom, hadn't yet changed back so they said 8:10 making her an hour early. Heather acknowledges that I've taken over the clock setting/maintaining job in the household. I pride myself on be punctual. This is an unrealistic self-image though as I'm only actually punctual about half the time even though I have a clock (or two or three) in every room to make certain I know what time it is. At one time I even made a study of how far people set their clocks ahead. It was called The Dalton Difference. So you can guess that it's extremely frustrating that I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS! Adding to the fun, there is the "Energy Policy Act of 2005" that extends Daylight Saving Time by two weeks. OMG! Does that go into effect this year? Was the news lady on the radio wrong and only Verizon correct? To set matters straight I did what any red blooded American would do. I hit the internet and checked both CNN & FoxNews. If THEY agree then it must be true. I learned that we did "Fall Back" an hour at 2 AM this morning and it is indeed 7:10. Besides Heather being late for her class (yeah, on a Sunday. That's continuing education for ya.) it was crucial that I knew just what time it was because if I turned on the TV this afternoon and found out that I missed an hour of Football, I'd have to be quite upset. Now, to go and finish setting all of the clocks:

Kitchen Clock - Atomic. Sets itself (and is used as the reference point for all other clocks in the household)
Rice Cooker clock - for setting the timer.
Microwave clock - for knowing how long your forgotten quiche has been sitting in there.
Stereo clock - It has a display so they felt the need to add a clock.
VCR clock - For timed recordings. It doesn't even display, but it's in there!
DVD player clock - Again for timed recordings, but this one does display.
Luxury Bathroom clock - So Heather knows how early she is in the morning.
Utility Bathroom clock - So Eric knows how late he is in the morning.
Nightstand 1 clock - Heather's with the broken time zone.
Nightstand 2 clock - Eric's with the "atomic" featured turned off so to be correctly in sync with other atomic clocks.
Wrist watch clock - *NIU, needs batteries.
Four PC clocks - Set themselves back an hour automatically based on this being the last Sunday in October. What will happen NEXT year?
Den clock - Tells me it's friggin' late and I need to get off of the computer and go to bed.
Lock Haven University Mantle clock - Sits in the den under my diploma and chimes on the hour.
Poptarts Gag Alarm clock - Don't send in your box tops for this clock. The hour hand doesn't spin so I really don't know what time it is!
Aquarium Timer - Turns the fishlight on/off at appropriate times.
My Car clock - Which I have to look up in the owners manual to figure out how to change twice a year. So sad.
Heather's Car clock - Which will be correct again if we just wait until March.
Embedded clocks - these are the more annoying ones because you might not remember to get them all until months go by and you're really tempted to just wait until the next switch when they'll be right again. These include, but are not limited to: My MP3 Player, iPod, Digital Camera, Heather's Not -digital Camera, Video Camera, Cable Modem, Router, Printer, Portable-Stereo, Portable-CD Player, Walkman, Stop Watch, Handheld Games, Calculator, Organizer, Spell-checker and both Pedometers.

That's it. I'm going back to bed and not setting an alarm because I don't think the clock knows what time it is either.

Obligatory Links:
Explanation from the US Government concerning Daylight Saving Time
Ok, so what time is it?
A less US-Centric What-time-is-it link
And finally, the current time:

How I coped with getting married...

2006-10-01T00:14:00.000-04:00

When some grooms would be running around getting doing last minute stuff or being social butterflies to cover the stomach butterflies I spent much of my free time the week before the big pig-roast wedding reception sitting in front of my computer pouring through my music catalogues, downloading & editing stuff I didn't have & compiling playlists. The end result was three full CDs split up into Music for to Mingle, Slow Beats for Eats, and Dance Dance Reception. There was also a fourth CD with special songs that we could whip out on request like the Electric Slide or Hokey-Pokey. I threw on a few extra dance songs in case the party ran over (I not so secretly hoped it would). I timed the songs to coincide with when we wanted to have our ceremony, when the food would be served etc & nearly everything cue went off without a hitch. Beauty!

Some back story on our wedding song: Several months ago when Heather & I decided to get married we knew we would need a song & when nothing immediately sprang to mind I queued up all of the songs in my musical collection, hit the Random button and let it play. With over 14 Thousand tracks to choose from the computer, in its infinite wisdom chose... "Stairway to Heaven". We wouldn't be the first to use it in a wedding, but... no thanks. We ended up choosing"Road to Nowhere" by the Talking Heads not so much for the lyrics (see below), but for the bouncy fun of it all. This road that we are on is going nowhere, but we're on the road and we are going t enjoy the scenery, the ups, the downs & most off all, the bumperstickers along the way. I'm feelin' Ok this morning & you know, we're on a road to paradise, here we go... here we go.

To be honest , my favorite part of the editing process was going through all of the songs that didn't make the cut, were really inappropriate for a wedding or are just to cheesy to actually use... and splicing them into one long montage of musical mayhem. Just for fun, I added extra cow-bell to several of the songs and overlaid the famous "Mawidge!" audio from the Princess Bride. Wanna guess what song I chose to mix with the movie audio? Why, Stairway to Heaven of course! Take a listen... without fear of lawsuit, I now brazenly post several seconds of a dozen or so songs mixed together with fun sound bytes. Enjoy!

Click to listen to or download Eric & Heather's Rejected Wedding Songs Medley!

"Road to Nowhere" - Talking Heads - From their 1987 Album "Little Creatures" (We used the version from their greatest hits album "Sand in the Vasoline")

WELL WE KNOW WHERE WE'RE GOIN' BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'VE BEEN AND WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE KNOWIN' BUT WE CAN'T SAY WHAT WE'VE SEEN AND WE'RE NOT LITTLE CHILDREN AND WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT AND THE FUTURE IS CERTAIN GIVE US TIME TO WORK IT OUT We're on a road to nowhere Come on inside Takin' that ride to nowhere We'll take that ride I'm feelin' okay this mornin' And you know, We're on the road to paradise Here we go, here we go. We're on a ride to nowhere Come on inside. Takin' that ride to nowhere We'll take that ride. Maybe you wonder where you are I don't care Here is where time is on our side Take you there...take you there. We're on a road to nowhere (Heh! Ha!) We're on a road to nowhere (Ha! Ha!) We're on a road to nowhere (Ha! Hah! Wooo!) There's a city in my mind Come along and take that ride and it's all right, baby, it's all right. And it's very far away But it's growing day by day And it's all right, baby, it's all right.

Would you like to come along To help me sing this song And it's all right, baby, it's all right. They can tell you what to do

But they'll make a fool of you And it's all right, baby, it's all right. [repeat last 4 stanzas, with feeling] We're on a road to nowhere (Hey!) We're on a road to nowhere (Heeeaaaah!) We're on a road to nowhere (HAAAAH! HAAAAAAH!)

We're on a road to nowhere....

At Home on The Internet (Aka @Home.Net)

2006-06-05T13:27:00.000-04:00

A metaphore gone berserk - Unabridged & Fully Annotated!

Imagine that your computer is your home. Never mind for a moment that not even the waifiest supermodel could fit into a laptop or that living in Mac City would look like a scene from THX-1138 ⁽¹⁾

Ok, so your PC is your home and it's the 1980s. There is no internet to speak of.

Your home is very isolated, but very safe. You have no need for curtains in your windows. Not only do you not have to lock your front door - you don't even have a lock on the door! You have to go out if you need anything or want to talk to people.

We jump forward a few years and the Internet in it's infancy is still spelled with a capital I. It's still mostly a closed system with only a few select groups on any kind of "web". The biggest problem is good natured pranks so the User Name & Password system is used - the first security method is still the most frequently used. E-mail, FTP & Gopher (the precursor to the world wide web) are invented.

Neighbors move in, but they're pretty scarce. They are mute, toothless creatures that are basically harmless. Occasionally they stop by unexpectedly. Sometimes they hunker on your porch and, although they don't steal it, they read your newspaper without asking.

We jump forward a few more years and the internet has begun taking it's first steps. Hackers are still a thing of the future. Most of the "security breaches" are just kids doing what kids do and exploring where they are forbidden. Tools are commonly available to snoop out other people's systems but "attacks" are rarely malicious. System administrators are born to erect the first restrictions on what goes in/out of the system. This is mostly to prevent unsolicited Finger, RUser, Telnet, Ftp & SMTP requests. The Computer Virus at large is born.

You now have lots of neighbors and they just drop by whenever they feel like it and are able to spy on you through your completely translucent glass windows. This prompts you to put up curtains & blinds to keep out spying eyes. The neighbors have evolved into sentient beings. If you catch them drinking your milk, it's best to toss it out or risk a nasty virus.

A year or two later the internet matures to a full blown child. The World Wide Web has become something worth using. Usenet Newsgroups are a great place to waste hours & download pictures & people gather on IRC to chat. Email has become faster and easier to use as more people adopt it. All this activity creates a need for System Administrators as attacks are now big problems that can cause big damage to companies & schools relying on email & internal networks. Viruses are still mostly spread through shared diskettes, but sending of small executables through email has become a problem. Anti-Virus companies start springing up.

You're neighborhood is now a community and people are everywhere. Coffee houses and art galleries have sprung up for socialization. All of this society does come at a price however as you have to put up a picket fence and a dead-bolt on your door to keep out the Riff-Raff. Virus infestations are like termites - they can eat your home to nothing. You're forced to pony up for exterminator service if you find a problem. The WWW opens a franchise in town, though it's pretty much just a standard library at this point and only the book club meets there.

Before you know it, the internet has hit those troublesome teen years. AOL has emerged as the dial-up leader making the web available to the lay-person. The internet has exploded into a force to be reckoned with setting up the Internet Bubble as companies throw stupid amounts of money at it. Modems are as fast as they'll ever be but lots of folks have high-speed connections at their office/school. Good thing too as the internet now has Multi-Media and email has HTML - and Spam - and most new viruses spread this way. Instant Messaging has begun to take off. Hackers trade in their black hats for black ties as they're offered jobs working for security firms.

You wake up one day and you're living in a small city. Life is good, but you really have to be careful now-a-days. The city is full of creatures called newbies and trolls now (in fact they've just about ruined the coffee houses⁽²⁾). The criminal element consists of sophisticated scam artists and high-tech spys. You've had to put up a cyclone fence around your property and a chain and peephole on your door because you can't just open up to all of the people that come knocking! Random door to door salesmen have started showing up trying to sell you things you don't want and decreasing your productivity. You now have to pay the exterminator a subscription rate to keep the bugs out. Even so, a "love letter" shows up one day from "Melissa" so you open it. Long story short, she destroys all of your pictures and steals all of your music⁽³⁾. Fortunately, some nappy cat in the alley is sharing all of his CDs⁽⁴⁾. Lots of people meet at the library now and they've added periodicals as well a thriving adult section!

A few years later we have a Young Adult internet to deal with. Most folks are finally surfing with a broadband connection making the internet more fun and more dangerous as Java & Active-x exploits abound. A firewall has become standard for even the home user. The WWW has absorbed most of the other protocols. Chat rooms have succumbed to the Instant Message client while newsgroups are now Internet Forums. "Brick & Mortar" stores open internet only outlets and crash and burn left and right as fortunes are made and lost overnight. Spammers & Anti-virus companies make a mint however. Google pulls ahead in the search engine wars & the first spy-ware is introduced.

Your little city has grown to a giant metropolis. The worst of the criminals are now Super Intelligent Ninjas who are nearly impossible to keep out of your home. Your curtains & shutters over your windows have been replaced with steel bars and you've been forced to install flame throwers creating a wall of fire surrounding the place. The door-to-door salesmen now outnumber the wanted guests 10-1 and you're forced to hire a bouncer. Unfortunately, some important folks get bounced by mistake. The library has put the coffee houses and art galleries out of business and contains a shopping mall and auction house too! Unfortunately, all of the stores with free stuff close almost immediately... even the ones with the cute sock puppet mascots⁽⁵⁾. While at the arcade in the library/mall a vendor gives you a gator-skin wallet for free but you learn later that it secretly spys on your shopping habits and sends you tons of junk mail⁽⁶⁾.

By the year 2006 we have a fully matured internet. Every mom & pop shop has a website and the internet has continued to envelope other mediums. It has begun to replace the telephone and full movies, television programs and most music is available at the touch of a button. Spam is controlled by criminal syndicates, search is controlled by Google, and viruses don't bother doing damage anymore - they just take over your PC by remote control. Instant messages are pervasive and filter backwards through to older technologies like the telephone. 98% of all email is Spam.

Everyone is truly part of a worldwide community, but there are many drawbacks. Although instant translation of foreign languages is now common, you can't understand a word that kids are saying in any language as they no longer use vowels, articles or punctuation. "Security" is impossible. No matter how well you guard the property, nothing can keep the seemingly magical bionic aliens out of your house as they can always come right through the Windows - no matter how many patches you put on the screens. You would consider moving except that you hear all new homes come with security systems pre-installed that expire after 60 days leaving you vulnerable and unable to install other security. Door-to-door salesmen outnumber invited guests 100-1 and boggle even the smartest Bayesian bouncer you can hire⁽⁷⁾. One day you look at a picture and suddenly there's a Trojan Horse in your living room and the Russian mob owns your house and are using it as a base to attack the neighbors⁽⁸⁾. Whenever you call to get anything fixed you always get "Joe" from New Delhi. The library/mall is by far the most popular place to hang out and every kid seems to have their picture, address & turn-ons up for public display in the Social Networking wing. A small company that originally only made the "you are here" directories now runs the post office, coffee houses, cartographer's guild, ad agencies & 8% of the world's wealth.

So what happens as the internet gets older? I would hope it gets wiser and safer, but I doubt it. Here are my predictions in order from "probable" to "geez, I hope not": The internet finishes what it started by assimilating movies and all television. The internet will lose it's tethers when global wireless goes live. A site called "MySlumberParty.com" will simultaneously be the biggest social networking site for teenagers and the biggest porn shop on the web. The demi-god alien overlords that rule cyberspace will begin setting up a real life Matrix where our laptops are plugged into us for energy. All Email communications will cease when spammers knock each others servers offline with the amount of junk they send. Paragraphs will be a thing of the past as attention spans will only be capable of handling one instant message at a time. Larger computer manufacturers will cut out the middle man by pre-installing spyware and trojans. Assuming the "global wireless internet" doesn't SkyNet⁽⁹⁾ us into oblivion, everything else will be just like Tron.

NOTE: The above time line is skewed to match my own perceptions of events as they happened. For example, I mention the newbies and trolls along with AOL's rise in the mid to late 90s, though the actuall month that AOLers were unleashed on the internet was Sept. 1993. Coincidentally, that was the year that I started school. =]

Annotations:

(1)THX-1138The Movie
(2) "Eternal September" - When AOLers hit the newsgroups
(3) History of the "Love Letter" Virus
(4) Napster's all to brief history
(5) The spectacular Pets.com failure
(6) Gator's "E-Wallet" software turns out to be crapware? You get what you paid for.
(7) Definition of "Bayesian" spam filters
(8) Clipart Holes lead to Trojan Horse pc attacks
(9) Terminator movies - SkyNet & the end of the world!

April Fools (Part 2)

2006-05-05T13:23:00.000-04:00

This part of the April Fools collection chronicles my Masterpiece. My Pièce de résistance if you will (or wont). I pulled out all of the stops, and my wallet in 2005 and outdid myself. This collection of pranks got executives out of bed early on a Sunday, redirected traffic, required the creation of a shell corporation and received a write up in the local newspaper. It was accomplished in 4 parts, two of which were just distractions and misdirections. All of the fun was sprung during my trip to Pacifica because I had been challenged the year prior by my Mom to no longer pull off any pranks that make people feel bad... or good... or worried... etc. She systematically eliminated most emotions but left me with "Surprise" & "Curiosity". I'll take that challenge, thanks. =]

Part 1 - The Giant Smiling Face of Adlai Stevenson
Setup: In a story by Jay O'Callahanset in 1952, the Author plays a joke on his neighbor, a huge (in all ways) supporter of Eisenhower, by placing huge campaign poster of Adlai Stevenson at the foot of her bed while she slept.
Props: This picture of Stevenson, a sharp pair of scissors & lots of Scotch Tape.
The Hook: The eve of April Fools' Day: the picture, which had been printed to be 3 foot by 4 foot had been disassembled for transit, was quietly reassembled. It was then - oh so quietly - taped to my Mom's bedroom door so she, like the antagonist of in the story, would wake to the Giant Smiling Face of Adlai Stevenson.
The Result: Success! No restricted emotions, a fun surprise & best of all - she thought she was off the hook for any other pranking on April 1st.

Part 2 - W.T.P.
To further throw everyone off the scent of further pranking, a roll of specially printed toilet paper featuring the smiling face & quotes of everyone's favorite current president was installed in the bathroom. This qualifies more as a Gag than a prank, but it's all good on 4/1.

Part 3 - IOCor & Milagra
Setup: One of Mom's favorite jogging routes was up on the Milagra Ridge which was a small parcel of semi-protected land surrounded by the standard suburban sprawl typical to the coastal towns south of San Francisco. It'd be a shame if the owners finally sold out to contractors!
Props: A website for our fake Venture Capital group IOCor, some Windows hacking skilz, 3 large sheets of plywood, several cans of spray paint, one heavy hammer, one large nail, two boxes of stencils, a pack of plastic zip-ties and, of course, a half dozen wooden stakes.
Prop Creation: I created the IOCor website (Cached), basing it on a real-life venture capital website. Later I changed the HOST file on my Mom's computer so the URL wouldn't look suspicious. This one required a lots of help from my accomplice Heather. We took a vacation within a vacation to travel up the coast to Mendocino which started off with a trip a trip to the local Home Depot to pick up supplies. The next night, as it was getting dark we found a secluded cul-de-sac & spray painted the plywood white & the tops of the wooden stakes neon-orange. On our way home we finished the task by using the stencils to spray paint the plywood into 3 large signs. We also punched holes in the corners so we could eventually use the zip-ties to hang the signs. Once back in Pacifica Heather & I made a trip to the Ridge in the wee hours of the morning and worked our magic.
The Mark: Several times during our visit I had hinted that I wanted to try to tackle the large hill on top of the Milagra Ridge by jogging it. As the days of our trip started to run out I "decided" that Friday would be our day to tackle the hill. Friday just happened to be April First. That morning we headed up to the Ridge. There's a fence along the road that runs by the Ridge and someone had put up signs all over the fence! They read things like "IOCor on the Rise!", "Progress for Perfection!" & most importantly, "Visit IOCOR.COM!" There were also wooden stakes with orange paint marking out a presumed "boundary" of IOCor's activity. During the jog, I wondered aloud what this IOCor stuff might be and what kind of project they have in mind for the beloved Milagra Ridge? Not quite an hour later as we descended the hill after the jog/hike we saw a fancy car that reeked of excessive money. The signs had been cut down and were nowhere to be seen. Standing next to the ritzy car was a woman talking animatedly on her cell phone. She seemed confused and out of her element. I really don't know what she was doing there, but I remarked at the time that she must be an exec of IOCor! Upon reflection, she might have been the property owner trying to figure out what the heck IOCor was. Because of my HOST file shenanigans, the web address that written on the signs would only work on a computer that had been thusly modified. We were untraceable!
The Reveal: Upon returning to the homestead I used some excuse to get everyone around the computer and typed in the web address, motioned for my Mom to have a seat and stepped back to watch over 2 months of planning, preparation & trespassing come to fruition. I nearly burst a gut trying NOT to laugh as she read the following words:

IOCor is proud to be part of the Milagra Ridge Development Conservation & Expansion Project. We plan on changing the face of the ridge, Pacifica and of human nature itself! This shall all be achieved without harming one endangered butterfly or snake for which the ridge provides shelter. There are other ways to make a buck and improve the landscape. Envision an underground observation deck and an aquarium suspended 200 foot above the rich fragrant soils. A landscaper's nightmare will become California's newest "Dream Park". Plans include jogging trails, dog walking areas & of course, non-alcoholic vegetarian cuisine.

The park has the blessing of the National Park Service, The Department of the Interior, The Golden Gate National Recreation Area & Senator Palpatine himself. This stunning plan has spent over month in research & development and will cost roughly $10 - mostly spent on stencils & lumber. Production is slated to begin today, April 1st 2005. Local Pacifica Resident Kathryn Dalton has only recently been made aware of this plan and is most probably very curious to learn more. Unfortunately, she's also been the victim of a horrible hoax perpetrated by her Son & his sweetheart. God, I love this holiday. And with this, my coup de grace, I bow out of the game and officially retire from the prankster business. It's been fun, but I need to quit while I have a head. Good night everybody!

The Fallout: She NEVER suspected me to go this far with a prank, especially since I had already "got her" that morning. The incredible luck of having the "Executive" at the bottom of the hill as we returned was just too priceless although nearly a disaster because if we had arrived at the Ridge just a half hour later the signs would have been gone and the entire prank would have fallen apart. As it was I got cursed out and actually spanked for my efforts. She would have found something heavier to hit me with if she only knew that I wasn't done for the day. . .

Part 4 - Wrapping, but not by Christo
Setup: That Christo guy made "Art" by wrapping up some famous buildings in plastic. Bah. *I* Could do that.
Props: 1000 feet of plastic shrink wrap from UHaul.
The Mark: While my Mom was out running errands, Heather and I started wrapping the house with the plastic wrap. It didn't go as far as we would have hoped, but since we had to buy it before traveling across the country and there really wasn't room enough for two of these in our suitcase (Just one had already caused a problem when checking our bags) we did the best we could and partially wrapped the house, but completely wrapped the car.
The Reveal: I had the camcorder rolling when my Mom rolled back up to the house. It had gotten nearly dark by the time she returned and the effect was surreal - the green wrap was the same color as the night. We all had a good laugh. My final prank was a success!
The Fallout: There was a lot of extra traffic on her street the next day as people drove past to see the wrapped house. The local paper published the story & a B&W picture a week later as well! I may one day do this one again as the roll of plastic was only $22 and I'm just DYING to wrap a house while someone is still IN it.

That's all folks! Here's the photo gallery.

The Giant Smiling Face of Adlai Stevenson

IOCor signs and orange wooden stakes

Yeah, the house is pink

April Fools!

2006-05-05T13:07:00.000-04:00

April 1st 2005 was my crowning achievement in April First foolery. I've pulled off a few excellent pranks, but last year I out did myself to the point that I was forced into retirement this year. Well, not entirely. Read on for Eric's Prankish History - my favorite April Fools' Day practical jokes & April Fools info, aka the 4/1 uh, 1.

The joker within me was awakened one day in the late 1980s when out of the blue, my father, in full view of his young and impressionable son, dialed up his long term girlfriend and spoke in the driest tones I've ever heard. He told her he had something he needed to say to her. He told her that he was getting back together with his ex-wife. Next he said that this conversation was an April Fools gag and hung up and just looked at me while I was thinking "OMG! Did he just really do that?!". Happy ending: They're still together and Karen went on to become my step mom. I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure Karen was actually on the other end of the line. Oh well, the joke would then be on me and it's still funny!

Paybacks were a bitch for my Father! Here's my first tip for would-be practical jokers: The Written Word is Magic.

Set up: It's my senior year in High School. I'm looking to be college bound, but obviously nervous. What's the worst thing that nerves could do to a kid at that age just weeks before graduation?
Props: Official Reading High School Watermarked Letterhead paper & envelopes (Generously donated by the Guidance Center), The typewriter in my typing class.
The Hook: I typed up an official looking document on official paper, placed it in the official envelope and left it with the mail on April 1st.
The Mark: My envelope was already sitting in between the screen and front doors when the mailman dropped that day's mail through the slot in the screen door. Karen picked up the mail minutes later and leafed through. She walked to the kitchen where I was innocently sipping a drink I had just poured myself. She "filed" the junk mail then saw an official looking envelope addressed to the parent or guardian of Eric Dalton. She cracked it open without telling me what she was reading. To her credit the look on her face never faltered while she read the letter stating that as is my right in the state of Pennsylvania since I am 18 years old I could drop out of school and, in fact, I had done just that and this was my official letter to let the parents know as a courtesy of the schools Guidance Department. The letter went on to state that if the Parent or Guardian had any questions they could call Mr. Manelli at the school, oh and by the way APRIL FOOLS! Gotcha! I remember that Karen took the lords name in vain when she read the last line and I remember that I damn near pissed myself with the suspense while she was reading. The best part was that I never intended her to read it first so this was a happy accident. Karen put the letter onto my Dad's "Rat Pack" of mail to go through. When he came home from work later on I once again took up my trusty spot in the kitchen while Karen told my poor unsuspecting father that there was a letter he should read. Still in his work jacket and hat, the look of "glad to be home" just dropped like a ton of rocks as he read the letter. He actually breathed an audible "Sigh of Relief"© when he read the last line.
The Fallout: His first words to me were "You're lucky!" I saved the letter for many years but it vanished when we moved. Such a shame. Of course now with the internet and everything it's much easier to forge letterheads, but there's no substitute for the real thing - watermark and all!

The next tip I have for my fellow jokersters is this: A Picture is Worth 1000 Words.

Set up: I have season tickets to the XFL games and I'm sitting in the first row right where the cheerleaders dance on their raised platform. Wouldn't it be sweet if I could sweet-talk one?
Props: My digital photograph editing skills, one late-night email, and some phone book searching for bars in the vicinity of the Meadowlands.
The Hook: I baited my entire family for a few weeks that I intended to hook up with one of the cheerleaders as one had taken a shine to me.
The Mark: Upon returning from the final home game of the NY/NJ Hitmen I wrote out a long email saying how I just had the greatest night of my life. Seems that since it was the last game, my favorite cheerleader Shannon had told a few of us where they hang out after the games. I had done my research and picked a real bar in the area. Of course we went to the bar and of course the whole team was there and of course it was great how I was accepted as one of the guys and even got friendly with Shannon. I even got her phone number! Icing on the cake - someone had a digital camera and took this picture which I attached to the email. I sent the email to everyone I knew.
The Reveal: Later that day I sent another email telling everyone that it was an April Fools prank but several had already written back saying how happy they were for me and how they had forwarded the email to their friends and co-workers . "Check out my son/nephew with the cheerleaders!"
The Fallout: A few laughs and a few angry family members. My aunt Susie was sore at me for quite some time. My Mom too. The moral of the story is that you don't have to make them think something horrible has happened - something good works just as well! The bigger problem was that when I actually started dating a girl named Shannon later in the year nobody believed me. Check my official XFL Page for more shots of Shannon the flexible. By the way - the eventually became a broadway actress.

This brings me to the third law of jokery: People trust anything that looks official.
I've played with this one a lot in my head and I always get into serious trouble in my imagination... but lets just say that someone who happens to have something that looks like a 'security' vest complete with reflective stripes could make things interesting at a wedding reception or parking garage or airport. Of course, you don't have to dress the part, you just have to dress up your props! As the phishing scoundrels could tell you, it's easy to mock up an email that looks just like one that you're used to seeing!
Set up: Every week the volleyball league sends out an email newsletter with some news and this week's schedule.
Props: A hotmail address that's identical to the AOL address that is used to send out the newsletter.
The Hook: April Fools just happened to fall on the day of the week that the newsletter always came out.
The Marks: I knew a half dozen people who were on the newsletter distribution list so I could see firsthand how folks would react. I typed up an email that was for all intents and purposes IDENTICAL to one of the newsletters that we would receive each week. I used the same greeting and closing, the same sentence structure, the same lack of (or excessive!!!) punctuation. I added a recap of the previous week and the correct schedule for this week. I also told everyone that, henceforth, clothing is, in fact, completely optional. It was even discouraged! Moments after I sent it (making sure the person who usually sent it out was in the distribution list) I heard a laugh from across the office and knew my plan had been a success! No reveal was necessary as about 3 hours later, the original newsletter guy sent out his official letter debunking mine.
The Fallout: Apparently, he had been getting phone calls. Excellent!!! There was no nudity that week at the volleyball game. Oh well... maybe I'll try again during Beach Volleyball season.

That's all for this entry. This post is continued in the continuation, aka the part 2, aka 4/1 uh, 2. (Read on)
Visit Ericles.com for more Brain Drippings

2005-12-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

New Jersey State Slogan

So... "Acting Governor" Richard Codey decided that "New Jersey & You, Perfect Together" was getting stale. We needed a new slogan and the best that a quarter of a million dollars paid to an marketing firm could belch up was "New Jersey, we'll win you over".

So Codey sent out a plea to the huddled masses (with long distance & an internet connection) for a new state slogan. They came up with some winners! Here's a few of my favorites gleaned from the internet:

New Jersey: You Gotta Problem Wit Dat?
Welcome to New Jersey. Expect Delays.
NJ: Sold to Corzine.
New Jersey - It's not as bad as it smells!
New Jersey: Come Glow With Us.
NJ: The Traffic Will Kill You. Have a Nice Day.
NJ: Toxic Waste for all!
Welcome to the Garden State. Become our fertilizer.

I was pretty sure I could do better, so I came up with not just some slogans, but a mascot & limerick as well.

New Jersey - A Developers Dream!
NJ: You could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt.
NJ: Fuckin' Gulf Stream, Yo!
New Jersey - The Rental State
NJ Drivin' - The Horns of Plenty
New Joisey - where New Yorkas go ta die.
NJ: What? You gunna drive all the way to Maryland?

New Mascot:
Elizabeth, The Toll's Belle for thee!
(See right) She's from the NJ state flag, Ai, so she is. Notice the toll taking hand and the reminder of the horns of plenty. Her hair is also big, which I think is generally representative of the state. I didn't retouch anything else! The groucho mustache is authentic! Don't believe me, check here.

Limerick:
Hey! Move to N.J. like a Chump!
Breathe our air! Develop a lump!
Tap water? Stomach pumper!
Our roads? Bumper-to-bumper!
New Jersey - New York's Garbage Dump!

Elizabeth
The new mascot of the state of New Jersey!

There you have it folks. Don't thank me now, wait until "horns of plenty" is on your licence plate!